Baby Blues or Postpartum Depression

So if you've been reading this blog or reading my Facebook posts then you know that I've been struggling through these past several weeks.  It has honestly seemed as if everything I did, or attempted to do, was an uphill and never ending battle.  I have spent a lot of the past few weeks crying and trying to reassure B, my mom and others that I'm not depressed.

I think it was harder to convince my mom of that, because let's face it, even though I don't personally feel I've ever been depressed there is a family history of depression.  Couple that with the fact that she has been pretty sad that she can't be here to help me with Y and Q and to say she has been worried about me would be a bit of an understatement.  I won't lie, I've probably given her reason to worry as I've spent quite a bit of my time on the phone with her in tears.  In tears because I felt inadequate as a mother, because I had little to no sleep, because I yelled at Y when I overreacted about something that wasn't that big of a deal in the first place.  I can go on and on but mostly I just felt alone once B returned to work.

For a while I did wonder if I were suffering from Postpartum Depression.  I Googled it to check out the symptoms.  I emailed and messaged friends who had experienced it.  I wondered if I should take a drug that would help my milk supply if it was also known to cause/worsen depression. 

In the end I prayed about it and decided to go with taking the drug.  Now things seem to be on the way up and my head is coming out of the clouds and I realize that this time, as well as with Y, it was just a case of the baby blues.  I also realize that breastfeeding was/is the main cause of those baby blues and when I looked back over this period with Y I can remember feeling many of the same feelings, only I wasn't nearly as sleep deprived.  There's no doubt about it though, the baby blues suck!  But I'm relieved that it was only the baby blues and nothing more serious like postpartum depression!

And if you're curious, no, the drug didn't cause me to have any depressive thoughts.  I used the same drug when I needed to increase my milk supply with Y and fortunately for me it works wonders without the negative side effects.  Q is nursing well, she's latching perfectly, she's gaining weight and she's sleeping better.  All pluses for me!  Hopefully those baby blues are a thing of the past!  We're having Q blessed this Sunday, she will be a day shy of 4 weeks old.  We also blessed Y when she was about the same age and that's about the point when my blues disappeared as well.  So maybe it's just those first 3-4 weeks until the breastfeeding thing is all figured out and the stress of it has fizzled.  Either way, I'm relieved to be past it!

Q's Appointment

Today we went back to the pediatrician to have Q weighed just to make sure all was really going well with nursing.  She now weighs 8lbs 4oz which not only puts her 3oz above her birth weight but it also means that she has gained 7oz in the last 8 days!!!!  So it looks like fixing the latch and breast compressions to keep her interested when she falls asleep/stops sucking has worked!  I cannot tell you how overjoyed I am.  Not to mention that she has started staying awake a bit more as well nursing a bit faster.  All meaning I am getting a little more sleep at night!!

Pride in Accomplishment

So it's no big surprise, everyone takes some pride in their accomplishments.  Some accomplishments are bigger than others.  But for me, as a stay at home mom, I have found that most of my greatest accomplishments now surround my children.  Potty training Y was a big one, delivering Q without drugs (even if it was unintentional), nursing Y for 15 months, I could add to this list but I'm sure you get my point.

Well today I added another to that list.  I am fortunate to have a pediatrician who not only encourages me to trusts my instincts as a mother but supports me in almost all of those instincts.  So when his associate instructed me to supplement with formula after breastfeeding I decided to trust my instincts and not supplement at all.  I was pretty confident that after I explained my reasoning he would go along with it but I was slightly shocked when he didn't expect/need any explanation at all.  When seeing her weight he simply shrugged and said, "supplementing isn't necessary just yet."  He's not overly concerned about Y not being back up to birth weight, he said the norm is for a newborn to lose 10% of their birth weight, Q has only lost 7% max.  She is now at 7lbs 13oz which means she has gained 2oz since we met with the lactation consultant on Monday, that's an ounce per day and the recommended weight gain is 4-8oz per week - she's doing just fine!  We'll go back next week just to check her weight.  Normally her next visit would be at 2 months old but he didn't feel comfortable going that long without at least checking her weight, and honestly I wouldn't have been comfortable with that either!

So today I take pride in my accomplishment - sticking with my guns and foregoing the formula AND (most importantly) being able to provide the food she needs to put on more weight without help from any man made product!

Problems...Solutions

Nothing worthwhile is easy. Know that when you succeed in accomplishing your most challenging goals, you will experience the greatest self-satisfaction.
-Beyond The Quote

We were able to meet with my lactation consultant, Denise, today and it was such a relief!!!  Q was indeed latching on incorrectly and we were not only able to fix it but able to find ways to get her to drink more even when she was asleep.  With the help of a lactation consultant in Virginia I was able to start getting her to latch on over the weekend without all the pain but she still hadn't been drinking as much as she needed and she definitely wasn't efficient at it.  We were able to get it all corrected today and it was really a burden lifted.  So many times over the past few nights I have just wanted to quit and switch to formula but today really rejuvenated me!

Not all was great though, the first thing the Denise did was to have me strip her down to the diaper and put her on the scale - she weighed 7lbs 11oz.  Only up 3oz. since her doctor's appointment on August 5th.  Three ounces in 10 days is never good!  We took her off the scale and I nursed her, she latched on and promptly fell asleep.  We did some breast compressions to make sure that I continued to let-down (for everyone who isn't breastfeeding savvy, the "let-down" refers to when the milk begins to rapidly flow from the milk glands to the milk ducts and then into baby's mouth) in order to keep her interested.  We detached her and did used some skin-to-skin techniques to wake her up and make her want to nurse more.  After she finished the right side we weighed her again, she was up almost 1½oz!  We then put her on the left breast and continued the breast compressions once she started to slow down her sucking or pause.  After she seemed to be done we weighed her again, she was up another ½oz bringing her up to 7lbs 13oz!  We put her to the right breast again and after weighing her she was just shy of 7lbs 14oz.  I was elated that she had drank that much and apparently so was she because she slept in excess of 3 hours and I even had to attempt to wake her in order to feed her before putting her to bed. 

After weighing her the final time we used the pump and were able to pump out another ounce or so which we were able to use as she showed me how to use a syringe and feeding catheter in order to supplement formula without using a bottle.  It was giving her a bottle that initially caused her to begin latching on incorrectly so I want to avoid that if at all possible, for at least a few more weeks.

As for where we stand now:  Denise called our pediatrician's office and spoke to another doctor in the practice (Dr. B is out on vacation until Wednesday).  He recommended that I continue to nurse but after she finishes nursing to supplement with a little formula and keep track of how many ounces of formula she drinks.  I'm not sure if I'll actually do this or not.  I feel that if I do supplement and she puts on a few more ounces by then, then we'll have no way of knowing whether it was the formula or the breast milk that caused her to add the ounces.  Dr. B is pretty good when it comes to trusting a mother's instinct so I think he'll be more than understanding towards whichever I decide to do.  We have an appointment on Wednesday afternoon with Dr. B so hopefully we'll know more and have a little better direction by then. 

As for me and my milk supply, I am going to call my OB, Dr. L, tomorrow and ask for a prescription for Reglan.  It's typically used to treat heartburn but there is something in it which causes nursing mothers to produce an abundance of milk!  I took one cycle of it while nursing Y when I experienced a drastic decrease in milk when Y was around 3 months old and I never had another issue after that.  The cause of concern is that Reglan has a side effect of causing depression and suicidal thoughts which is made worse for those who have a history of depression.  Whereas I don't have either currently, nor do I have a history or either I'm not so sure Dr. L would be willing to write a prescription for it before having my postpartum appointment which isn't until September 7th.  In the event that he doesn't want to give me a prescription yet then I'll use other herbal supplements which are known to aid in increasing milk supply until after my postpartum appointment.

So that's where things stand as of right now but I'll keep you posted after Q's appointment on Wednesday.

Breastfeeding: A Love/Hate Relationship

I hate breastfeeding!  There, I said it!!  Now before you all begin to bite my head off, I also love breastfeeding.  I think anyone who has ever done it can at least sympathize, if not empathize, with my feelings.  Or maybe not.

I'll begin by clarifying what I mean when I say that I hate breastfeeding.  I hate the added lack of sleep that comes along with breastfeeding.  I hate my constant paranoia that I'm not giving my child enough nourishment, that she may be starving.  I know she really is getting enough but since I can't measure exactly how much she's getting, I become a bit paranoid.  I hate the fact that I know that every 2½-3 hours I'm going to be stuck sitting in a chair nursing for at least 40 minutes to an hour and that the clock starts at the beginning of a feeding, not at the end.  I hate the sore nipples, I hate the milk that leaks all over the place, I hate having to pump when I'm engorged, I hate the feeling I get when I know that something is off but not being completely sure of how to fix it (i.e. the issues we've been having recently with latching on).  So to sum it all up...I hate the first 6-8 weeks of breastfeeding.

I nursed Y for 15 months, ending in December 2009, so it's been close to 2 years since I had last breastfed.  I was nervous about breastfeeding again because of this but many people assured me it was like riding a bike - I couldn't disagree more.  I mean, the fundamentals are the same but as a lactation consultant I spoke with yesterday told me, "Breastfeeding  is the same old dance, just with a different partner."  She was right, but the partner can make all the difference!

Now, obviously, since I nursed Y for 15 months there surely must be something I like about it.  And so I'll tell you that no, I don't just like breastfeeding, I LOVE breastfeeding.  And there is not an ounce of sarcasm in that statement.  I love that when it's time for her to eat, I don't have to mix any formula or warm a bottle, it's pretty much always ready.  I love that all I have to do is drink plenty of water, eat properly and then sit back and let my body do all the work.  I love the middle of the night feedings when all is quiet and it's just me and her together.  I love knowing that I am giving my child the best possible food that she will ever eat in her entire life.  I love the bond that is formed over that 40 minute to 1 hour time span.  I love knowing that as she gets older the amount of time it takes her to nurse will decrease because her suck will become stronger.  I love knowing that as long as she's drinking it, my body is going to keep making it.  I love knowing that I can single-handedly provide for her nutritional needs and it doesn't cost me a dime to do it.  I love knowing that I'm saving hundreds of dollars each month.  I love knowing that there are tons of people out there that are willing to help me conquer the issues that come with breastfeeding and that they are all cheering me on.  I love the fact that nursing is going to help me continue to not have a period for several more months (After Y was born I didn't have one for 8 whole months...heaven, I tell you!).  I love that after Q was born and the nurse asked me if I was going to breastfeed, my doctor answered for me before I even had the chance to open my mouth.  I love the way she looks up at me while she is nursing.  I love the way she turns her head toward the boob of whomever happens to be holding her in expectation of being fed.  I love the calming effect of the skin-to-skin contact.  So basically I love everything about breastfeeding except the struggles of the first several weeks.

Over the past couple days as I found myself awake most of the night struggling with an infant that was latched on incorrectly and thus she was getting milk but not nearly as efficiently as she should have been, I contemplated throwing in the towel and just using formula.  Just the thought of it made me cry, which I'm sure was escalated by the lack of sleep I've been dealing with.  I am not anti-formula.  I will supplement as I feel is necessary but the thought of failing or quitting breastfeeding just breaks my heart.  Not only was I saddened by the thought of not giving her the best but even more so I was saddened at the moments of bonding I'd be missing out on.  I've given both breast and bottle to both my daughters and there is an obvious emotional difference between the two, and I have no desire to miss out on that.

And so, I'll somehow make it through the coming weeks.  I've done it once, I'll do it this time, and I'll do it again in the future.  I think it's obvious that my love of breastfeeding wins over my hate for breastfeeding.  And while I don't look down upon or judge anyone who has to formula feed out of necessity or even just out of choice, I know what the best choice is for me.

Finished...Done...Finito!

It is the end of an era...tonight I nursed Y for the very last time! I am a little saddened by it but I am also pretty happy about it. I am totally surprised that I was able to breastfeed for 15 whole months - we had such a rocky start with it - but I am so extremely glad that I stuck it out and kept at it. It has given me and Y such a stronger bond than I ever thought imaginable and I loved every minute of it. It has also helped us save a ton of money that we would have spent on formula. I'm in no way knocking formula because I also loved the fact that she would take both breastmilk and formula because there were many times that formula was a lifesaver! But seriously, I can't wait to do it all over again with the next bundle of joy!

Totally Random...

I love breastfeeding Y and I am so glad that I decided to do it and stick with it. I know that it's best for her and it was very trying at first but definitely worth it. I'm going to try to stick it out until she is at least one year old. But tonight, for the first time, I realize how much I miss my BRAs!!! Nursing bras suck!!! They recommend that you don't use underwire bras, but I bought some of both (wire and no wire) and I hate them ALL!!! I have not been able to find a nursing bra that gives me the support AND comfort that I used to enjoy. So for that reason, and only that reason, I cannot wait until breastfeeding is over! I had totally forgotten what a good bra feels like, and now that I've worn it again I realize how much I miss it. Ah well...only 7 more months.

3 Months or 13 Weeks

In just a matter of hours my baby will turn both 3 months and 13 weeks - she was born on a Thursday which just happened to be on the 4th day of September. As I looked at her as I rocked her to sleep tonight I could not believe how much time has gone by. A couple days ago as I was playing with her I heard her giggle for the first time. As hard as I tried to get her to repeat it, it never happened so I will be watching and listening intently over the next several days waiting for her to do it again. But as I reminisce over these past few months, I realize how blessed we have been. We're healthy, we have a healthy and happy baby, and things have worked out for the best for us in all situations. I mean, not long ago I was crying and upset and completely ready to give up on breastfeeding then when I finally thought I was getting the hang of it there was another wrench thrown into the situation when she stopped gaining weight. Now that I look back on it, I am so very happy that I stuck it out no matter what. It is so rewarding to me to be able to provide that for nourishment for my baby. Not to mention that I love the time that we get to spend together while she nurses. It definitely wasn't easy but I'm glad we stuck it out! I've said it before and I'll say it again, I never could have imagined how much a baby would change our lives. I can't think of a single thing that hasn't been changed in one way or another since she was born. I have learned a thing or two about myself as well as a few things about motherhood. This has been one of the, if not THE, most rewarding time periods of my life. I've gained a little more patience (although not too much more) and I've also learned a very, very valuable lesson: I am not superwoman! As disappointed as I am to admit it, I realized that I cannot do everything. I guess I've always wanted to do my best and be the best at everything, juggling a million things at once. Well, I think I'm over that! I've also gained a huge appreciation and respect for my own mother. I have always had a really close relationship with my mom but I don't think I ever really understood just what a mother sacrifices for her child until I had my own. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for her. I've also never wanted time to slow down as much as I have over the past few months...my baby is growing up and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I guess that means I'll have to appreciate each day a little more. One thing that I am extremely grateful for though is that now I tend to have a little more free time each day. For a while there I had very little time to myself and that can be tough on any one...even superwoman.

Updates

So I figured that an update is far overdue. The last time I posted I was telling you all about being able to breastfeed again because she gained the 6oz in 2 days and that we would go back in a week to reassess things. Well that week was up on Friday and she gained 14oz in a week when eating mostly breast milk. That brings her to 11 lbs even! As for me, I'm doing really well. I had my 6 week checkup on Wednesday and seem to be in great shape. I just have to go to see my PCP (primary care physician) to have a hypertension screening and wait for the results from my diabetes test (they always do that for gestational diabetics to make sure it's not still hanging around after the pregnancy). I still find that I really miss being pregnant. I told my mom that I wish I could be pregnant all the time, but I don't want to have a newborn at the end every time. I guess the perfect solution would be to become a surrogate mom, the only problem with that would be that I would be wwwwwaaaaayyyyy too attached to the baby to every give him/her away. I just really miss feeling the movement in there and all that stuff, but I guess it'll just make me appreciate it all the more next time. (And don't think I'm in any rush to get to next time...that's not the message I'm trying to convey! It'll definitely be a couple of years between Y and her next sibling, unless of course there is some "accident"). Anyway, it's late and sleep is very valuable these days, so I'll just leave you with some pictures!

Yippee

Sorry for the delay in posting this message but it's been a little busy for me. I know a lot of you are probably checking to find out what happened on Friday when we went to the doctor, so I'm here to keep you informed. Well I'll just say that first and foremost I just want my baby to be healthy and was willing to do almost anything to do that. I will say almost because I was not willing to give up breastfeeding completely. But as it turns out I don't have to give it up at all!!! The doctor wanted me to feed her strictly formula for two days so that he could make sure that she wasn't having a problem gaining weight. As it turns out she gained 6oz in two days AND the doctor wants me to resume breastfeeding. So we're relieved that there's nothing wrong with our baby and that I can continue to breastfeed. We do go back again on Friday to check her weight and see how she's progressing, but for now, we're on cloud nine.

...And I Thought We Were Doing So Well

It's just after 3am and I know I should be in bed, but I guess I am really just a bit down right now. I just fed Y and as I picked her up out of her bassinet and prepared to feed her, she was of course turning her head towards the breast and I had to stick a bottle in her mouth. It really sucks and is proving to be really hard. The doctor told me, "It's nothing that you're doing" and "not to feel guilty." But it's hard not to feel like it's something I'm doing wrong and it's really impossible to "not feel guilty." I guess I should tell you why I'm not breastfeeding, huh? (That may be a good idea). Well today we went to the pediatrician to check Y's weight since I felt so uneasy about it last visit. I went in thinking that she would be fine, I mean we've made so much progress. I read Babywise and Baby Whisperer, we were making progress with the E.A.S.Y routine (still working on the S so I haven't really gotten much of the Y yet), she was eating every 2.5 to 3 hours. I was so excited and so sure that everything was fine...and then the nurse walks in and weighs her and we find that she's only gained 3 oz in 2 weeks when she should gain approximately an ounce a day. At this point the doctor is not sure if it is just her or if it is a problem with my milk (not enough caloric content or she's not getting enough hindmilk). It's funny, I never really thought I'd be so bothered by not being able to breastfeed but now that I'm experiencing it I absolutely hate not being able to do it. It was my time with her, and it really ticks me off that I made it through all the snack feeds and the terribly sore nipples and all the tears that came along with all it only to reach this point. It may only be that I have to do this for 2 days (she goes back to the Dr on Friday to be reassessed) but that just seems to be so far away at this point. I've received advice from friends to either continue to supplement or to ignore the doctor completely, I'm seriously torn at this point as to what to do. I mean, she's had bottles before. The upsetting part is that I've never had to be the one to give it to her. Either B or my mom would give her the bottle, I only ever did it twice and that was when my nipples were unbearably sore. I've called my lactation consultant to ask her opinion but she's not in again until Friday, so it looks like either way I won't know anything until then...hopefully the scale was just broken! Well I'm going to bed now, but at least I got some pumping done while typing this, if I can't use it for Yanna then maybe I'll sell it. I hear the going rate is $7 an ounce! Here's some pictures, enjoy!

Daddy Time

Mommy Time

Baby Time (She is so freakin' beautiful!)

Relief

Okay, so I am ever slowly growing more confident in my ability to breastfeed. After taking Yanna to her appointment with her pediatrician and talking with a few friends who offered advice I must say that I feel much better about it. I was very worried and extremely distraught at the thought of not being able to provide the amount of food she needed. However, after going to see her doctor and talking to him about it he explained to me that she is now 9lbs 9oz which would mean that she is gaining an ounce a day which is exactly where she should be. Apparently that's a sign that she is indeed getting enough to eat. He said that as far as her always wanting to be at the breast is probably just a comfort thing and then he told me how to tell if she's eating or just treating me as her personal pacifier. Since the visit I think we've been doing fairly well with it and somehow, by no real effort on my behalf, she takes each side for about 20 minutes and then she's done. And we do this only every 2 hours now!!! I guess typically it should be every 2.5 hours, but hey, I'm happy with whatever I can get at this point. Eventually we will be able to stretch it out to 2.5 hours but for now I'm satisfied. He also asked me about how much I am able to pump at one time and I told him between an ounce and 1.5oz so he explained that she's probably definitely getting enough because she can suck out 2 or 3 times that amount. I also found that very comforting. Since I was so worried and concerned we're gonna go back in 2 weeks and weigh her again to make sure she is still progressing as she should be.

Here is a picture from last weekend which I thought was cute...of Y at least, I could have been better. haha. Tomorrow we're having her blessed so we'll post more pictures from that later.

Frustrated and Happy Too!

So we've been parents for almost 3 weeks now, when does it start to get easier?!?! I've never really been the type to just up and quit something but I'm seriously considering quiting this breastfeeding stuff. I went to see the lactation consultant last week and she was great! We got all of the latching problems worked out and she really helped me to know that it was nothing that I was doing wrong and that I was correct when I thought that Y was not opening wide enough to latch on correctly and without causing me pain. So I left that meeting feeling great, really empowered but now I am just frustrated that I don't think I'm producing enough milk for my baby. She will suck for an hour or more and she still still be upset and cranky after which she will drink formula and be absolutely fine. I really don't know if it's milk supply or just a baby with a huge appetite, I really have no clue, but it is frustrating nonetheless. I will ask her pediatrician tomorrow and see what he thinks. I just get so sad and frustrated sometimes because all I really want is to be able to feed my baby and have that be enough. I don't want to have to give her formula, honestly I hate when she has a bottle of formula. But when faced with the decision of letting her have formula or having her crying because she didn't get enough, I think the decision is easy. I also read somewhere that maybe it has nothing to do with the amount she's eating and more that she just feels the need to be close to me or has a strong desire to suck. If it's the latter then you'd think she'd take a pacifier...she seems to hate the thing though. I really don't know and honestly I've been so emotional about it lately that I probably have some skewed perspective of whatever it is that is going on. Well since she goes to the doctor tomorrow I will try to find some time to post and update you guys on how she's doing.

As for how I'm doing...I've recovered pretty well. Last week when I went to my OB/GYN my blood pressure was better but still not great. Also last week when I went to the doctor we discovered that I had lost a total of 26 pounds since I had her (11lbs the first week and 15 pounds the second). Needless to say that I'm very happy about that and the fact that I've been in my smallest jeans for about a week and a half now! At least that can comfort me in my times of distressing about breastfeeding!

Week One

We've officially been home from the hospital for one week and boy has it been a long one! We've had a couple of never ending nights, as well as some very cranky periods but all in all everything is going well. Y had her Dr. appointment on Wednesday and she was up to 8lbs 12oz so she only had 2 more ounces to go until she reaches her birth weight (which I'm sure she's gained by now). So everything went great at her appointment. I also has an appointment on Wednesday but mine was to have my staples taken out. I was horrified at the thought, all I could imagine was someone taking a staple remover to my flesh. However, I must say that I was pleasantly surprised, I didn't feel a thing! So that was the good news from the appointment. The bad news is that my blood pressure was really high. We speculate that it could have been from me being nervous about having the staples out. The doctor said that usually blood pressure drops as the swelling in the legs and feet go down and mine are still pretty huge. Until it drops though he has me on blood pressure medication. I've been monitoring my BP at home for the last several days and whereas my systolic numbers are great, my diastolic numbers have been pretty high. Hopefully they begin to drop though, I go back on Wednesday to have my BP checked again.

As for us at home, my mom arrived on Tuesday and that's been a huge relief. We've started experiencing some nipple confusion so we're going to try to meet with the lactation consultant about that as well as a couple other concerns in the coming days. She's a relatively happy baby though. My goal is to get her back to the point where she can fall asleep in her crib all on her own. She did it great while in the hospital but once we got home she kinda stopped. So if any of you moms out there have any suggestions, they'd be highly appreciated. I guess I don't wanna always nurse her to sleep or rock her to sleep, although I enjoy it, it would be nice if I didn't always have to do it. But maybe I'm just asking for too much too fast...I dunno, you tell me. I know for a fact that there are some great moms reading this blog, so by all means give me your advice!

Classes

Last night we attended out breastfeeding class. I don't know if I've ever felt so overwhelmed by anything before. There are so many details, so much to learn and read and know. B wanted to go with me and I'm glad he did (even though he accounted for half of the guys there). I am pretty sure that it's not going to be possible to remember everything, in fact I'm beyond sure of that. I guess it'll have to be one of those things that I learn as I go.

On the other hand, we had our first prenatal class (there are 4 in the series) last Wednesday and that was awesome. With the exception of watching THE video! I was perfectly happy just knowing what was going to happen, I did not need to see it too. Now I'll probably be replaying that video in my head during my own labor. Other than that the class was great, with the exception of B telling me that since I'll probably be in labor such a long time that he would bring the PlayStation to hook up to the television. I promptly told him that he must have a death wish. I'm sure he was only joking anyway. Tomorrow we get to learn and practice 2 types of massage techniques to aid in relaxation during labor...I'm looking forward to that!!