Saying Goodbye

I arrived in North Carolina on Thursday, the viewing was scheduled for Friday afternoon and the funeral on Saturday.  I found myself very emotional at just the thought of seeing Grandma laying there in a casket.  I truly could not bare the thought of it so you can imagine how apprehensive I was once we arrived at the funeral home and were asked to approve of the body.

I cried and I was emotional but oddly enough I felt calm and peace.  I was truly able to stand there with the body and know it was just a vessel.  I have no doubt that my grandma was there with me at that exact moment, she comforted me, she gave me the strength I needed at that moment and in many moments sense.

The viewing and funeral were both well attended.  Many people that I didn't know but who all knew me or knew of me.  I introduced myself to one of her friends, her name was Ms. Marie and they had lived on the same street for 40+ years.  I vaguely remember her asking me a question and when I answered I somehow ended up mentioning that I live in Michigan.  She looked at me with a hint of recognition and she said, "oh, you're the one she'd talk on the phone to every Sunday.  I remember she'd always tell me she was waitin' on her grandbaby to call."  It brought such a big smile to my face, Grandma loved those phone calls and they are a memory that I am so glad I have to hold on to forever.

We went back to the grave site to give it final approval on Monday.  And while there I remember mentioning to my mom that it all felt so surreal.  In many ways it still doesn't feel real.  I suppose with time it will just become reality but for now it just seems like an alternate reality.

Memories of Grandma

I've always had a close relationship with my grandma, in fact I always struggle to wrap my heads around how it is that someone can not be close to their grandma, it truly seems foreign to me when I think of it.  But I try to step back and realize that not everyone lived in such close proximity to their grandmas and so maybe the relationships were different.  Maybe too it has something to do with my Grandma only having 3 grandkids - my sister, my brother, and myself.

Up until the time I was around 10 (with the exception of 1 year) I had always lived no more than 2 houses away from my grandma and right next door to my Great-Grandma and Great-Aunt.  We were small in number but were we ever close!  From an early age my grandma would pile us in her car and we'd go pick strawberries, grapes, blueberries, you name it.  As we got older she taught us to fish and would even bait my hook for me because she knew that was the only part I hated.  Well that and taking the fish off the hook! She bought me my first bicycle for Christmas one year, each year we'd submit a list of school supplies to her and she would buy everything on our list.  When we would go visit her all we ever wanted to watch on TV were MTV and BET, and after a little while she'd come inside and start dancing in the middle of the living room floor.  Oh, and boy did she love to pull pranks!

She loved us more than anything and she made sure we knew it.  She was as nice as pie to everyone around her, until they gave her a reason not to be, and if that ever happened...WATCH OUT!!!  Fortunately, that side of my grandma was never ever directed towards us but we had the opportunity to see it directed at others on a few occasions.  Mom would tell us stories from when she was a child as a way to help us see just how much our grandma had changed.

When I moved away to Michigan I decided that no matter what I would make sure I called my Grandma EVERY Sunday.  I never missed a call.  Those phone calls were just as important to me as they were to her.  I miss them but it death hasn't stopped me from talking to her.  I know she hears me, I know she remains close to all of us.  I can feel her with me all the time.

Loss

A matter of hours after writing my last post, where I declared my allegiance to updating this blog, I received the phone call that my grandma had passed.

I thought I was prepared for it.  I learned that nothing can ever really prepare you for it.  It became THE hardest day of my life thus far, replacing the day when we drove away to Michigan with my entire family waving goodbye on the front porch.

The call came in at 3:43am and I instantly knew.  My mom gave me the news and we talked briefly.  She told me how the entire family - my parents, siblings, and all my nieces and nephews - had spent the night in her room at her bedside.  She told me of how Grandma had been fine at 3am but by 3:30am she had passed away.  I remember hanging up the phone and sitting quietly in my bed for about 5 or 10 minutes.  I remember marveling to myself how well I was handling it and then something cracked and the dam broke.  It literally took me the remainder of the day to compose myself.  Even though she had been sick and steadily declining for almost 9 months, even though I knew upon leaving North Carolina after our visit last summer that I wouldn't see her alive again, even though she was 85 years old...none of it prepared me.

I received so many phone calls, texts, emails, messages, etc.  It felt amazing to know that there were so many people supporting me through my loss but in many ways I felt inconsolable.

Updating...

I've neglected this blog for a while now, almost a full year, and it's definitely time to update it.  It'll take a while but I will get it done.  Be patient with me.