Pins and Needles

I have always been really good at remembering dates and numbers, when they are significant to me.  I add the significant part because it generally has to be something important to me for it to stick.  For example, before the days when absolutely everyone had a cellphone I was the person my friends called when they wanted to know another friend's number or birthday.  Since I've had a cellphone I honestly cannot tell you the last phone number I have memorized, heck, I can't even remember B's cellphone number majority of the time.  Also, don't ask me about historical dates either, because chances are, I will have absolutely no clue.  My father-in-law loves to quiz me, and anyone else present, about "famous" war dates or significant dates in history but the truth of the matter is the only historic date that sticks out to me is June 19, 1865 - the day when slaves were literally freed from slavery.  I say "literally" because even though the Emancipation Proclamation came years prior, it apparently meant very little because it was 2½ years later when they were actually freed.  Now that we're done with the history lesson I guess I should say that honestly I'm not sure why that date is the one historical date I can remember.  Maybe it's because without it I'd be picking cotton on some one's plantation right now.  Okay, maybe not, I have a little more faith in mankind than that - a little more. 

But really I'm kind of just rambling but doing so to make a point, I have a way of manipulating numbers in my mind if I feel they are important to me.  That manipulation can work for me or against me at times and right now it's really working against me.  For the last couple weeks I have been focused on a single day of my pregnancy.  That day is Sunday, January 23rd.  I will be 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  The last time I was 11 weeks and five days pregnant was February 22, 2008 and I have stressed my way through that day every year since, and probably will continue to do so.  Some of you probably remember reading about it, I wrote about it in this post.  I was bleeding, I was scared and I was an emotional wreck.  They ran tons of tests and everything checked out fine but not a single person was able to give me a definitive reason as to what would cause me to bleed that much.  I didn't find their speculations very reassuring or comforting at all, and honestly, I still don't find one bit of comfort in any of it.

About a year or so ago a friend was asking me about it and she mentioned that a mutual acquaintance has had the same thing happen to her in every one of her pregnancies (she has 5 kids).  I found this slightly comforting but also slightly disturbing.  Comforting because it has happened to her with every pregnancy and she has always gone on to deliver healthy babies.  Disturbing because I remember how I felt that day and can not imagine going through it all over again.  And so I find myself stressing over a single day when the reality is it might not happen at all, or, it might happen when I'm 11 weeks 6 days or 13 weeks or any other day of my pregnancy.  I frustrate myself just thinking about it.  And so I sit on pins and needles waiting for a day to come that may or may not come at all let alone when I am anticipating it. Everyone says, "every pregnancy is different" and I know that this is true to an extent, but I'm finding little comfort in that right now.  *Sigh*


As for other pregnancy related news, there's really not much to tell except that I am in the middle of doing a 24-hour Urinalysis.  They'll be testing my urine for protein, if they find more than expected it may be a sign of preeclampsia.  I also did this while pregnant with Y though it was much later in the pregnancy so he only felt the need to do one.  I have a feeling he'll have me doing these much more often this time around.  I am very displeased with this idea!  I hate doing it and I really hate having a gallon-sized container of urine in my refrigerator!  B suggested that I just keep it in the garage.  This wouldn't be such a horrible idea if we had a bathroom anywhere near our garage but as things stand running through the house and downstairs to the garage every time I have to go potty is not appealing to me at all.  Also, it is not simple to explain to a 2 year old, whom you're about to try to potty train, why Mommy is peeing in a cup and pouring it into a big orange jug and then placing said jug into the refrigerator.

So Happy I Could Cry...Literally!

Well all the major news stations have just called the presidency in favor of Barack Obama. This is huge for me and honestly, as much as I wanted it to happen I didn't really believe that it could happen. I mean, clearly, I believe that Obama was the better man for the job but I guess I didn't have enough faith that this could actually happen. Maybe I didn't have enough faith in Americans in general. Maybe, having been raised in the south, my view of race relations is still pretty negative on most accounts. I suppose I have learned a valuable lesson tonight, as has the rest of the nation. I didn't think it could be done and I honestly refused to get my hopes up. So as I said in the title, I'm so happy I could cry...and once the shock wears off I probably will (either then or while I watch his acceptance speech)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...And I Thought We Were Doing So Well

It's just after 3am and I know I should be in bed, but I guess I am really just a bit down right now. I just fed Y and as I picked her up out of her bassinet and prepared to feed her, she was of course turning her head towards the breast and I had to stick a bottle in her mouth. It really sucks and is proving to be really hard. The doctor told me, "It's nothing that you're doing" and "not to feel guilty." But it's hard not to feel like it's something I'm doing wrong and it's really impossible to "not feel guilty." I guess I should tell you why I'm not breastfeeding, huh? (That may be a good idea). Well today we went to the pediatrician to check Y's weight since I felt so uneasy about it last visit. I went in thinking that she would be fine, I mean we've made so much progress. I read Babywise and Baby Whisperer, we were making progress with the E.A.S.Y routine (still working on the S so I haven't really gotten much of the Y yet), she was eating every 2.5 to 3 hours. I was so excited and so sure that everything was fine...and then the nurse walks in and weighs her and we find that she's only gained 3 oz in 2 weeks when she should gain approximately an ounce a day. At this point the doctor is not sure if it is just her or if it is a problem with my milk (not enough caloric content or she's not getting enough hindmilk). It's funny, I never really thought I'd be so bothered by not being able to breastfeed but now that I'm experiencing it I absolutely hate not being able to do it. It was my time with her, and it really ticks me off that I made it through all the snack feeds and the terribly sore nipples and all the tears that came along with all it only to reach this point. It may only be that I have to do this for 2 days (she goes back to the Dr on Friday to be reassessed) but that just seems to be so far away at this point. I've received advice from friends to either continue to supplement or to ignore the doctor completely, I'm seriously torn at this point as to what to do. I mean, she's had bottles before. The upsetting part is that I've never had to be the one to give it to her. Either B or my mom would give her the bottle, I only ever did it twice and that was when my nipples were unbearably sore. I've called my lactation consultant to ask her opinion but she's not in again until Friday, so it looks like either way I won't know anything until then...hopefully the scale was just broken! Well I'm going to bed now, but at least I got some pumping done while typing this, if I can't use it for Yanna then maybe I'll sell it. I hear the going rate is $7 an ounce! Here's some pictures, enjoy!

Daddy Time

Mommy Time

Baby Time (She is so freakin' beautiful!)

Frustrated and Happy Too!

So we've been parents for almost 3 weeks now, when does it start to get easier?!?! I've never really been the type to just up and quit something but I'm seriously considering quiting this breastfeeding stuff. I went to see the lactation consultant last week and she was great! We got all of the latching problems worked out and she really helped me to know that it was nothing that I was doing wrong and that I was correct when I thought that Y was not opening wide enough to latch on correctly and without causing me pain. So I left that meeting feeling great, really empowered but now I am just frustrated that I don't think I'm producing enough milk for my baby. She will suck for an hour or more and she still still be upset and cranky after which she will drink formula and be absolutely fine. I really don't know if it's milk supply or just a baby with a huge appetite, I really have no clue, but it is frustrating nonetheless. I will ask her pediatrician tomorrow and see what he thinks. I just get so sad and frustrated sometimes because all I really want is to be able to feed my baby and have that be enough. I don't want to have to give her formula, honestly I hate when she has a bottle of formula. But when faced with the decision of letting her have formula or having her crying because she didn't get enough, I think the decision is easy. I also read somewhere that maybe it has nothing to do with the amount she's eating and more that she just feels the need to be close to me or has a strong desire to suck. If it's the latter then you'd think she'd take a pacifier...she seems to hate the thing though. I really don't know and honestly I've been so emotional about it lately that I probably have some skewed perspective of whatever it is that is going on. Well since she goes to the doctor tomorrow I will try to find some time to post and update you guys on how she's doing.

As for how I'm doing...I've recovered pretty well. Last week when I went to my OB/GYN my blood pressure was better but still not great. Also last week when I went to the doctor we discovered that I had lost a total of 26 pounds since I had her (11lbs the first week and 15 pounds the second). Needless to say that I'm very happy about that and the fact that I've been in my smallest jeans for about a week and a half now! At least that can comfort me in my times of distressing about breastfeeding!

Last Minute Thoughts

Okay, I should really be in bed getting some rest right now but I wanted to make a quick post and kind of document what/how I feel right now.

I'm 3cm dilated, so that's progress I can live with! I'm very nervous, very excited, very overwhelmed, honestly the list of emotions could go on forever. In slightly over 7.5 hours I will be in the hospital preparing to have my first child. I'm going to be a mom. Me...the girl who never really wanted kids in the first place is going to have a baby and is really really happy about it. The scary part is that it will be a title I carry with me forever, throughout all the eternities. Maybe that's why I feel so overwhelmed! I'm scared of labor. I'm scared of having to provide for a child, not financially because that we are prepared for, but physically and emotionally and spiritually. I'm not sure if one could ever be prepared for that. I suppose I look at it like I did when watching all those divers during the Olympics. I couldn't help but wonder what would run through their minds as they were on the platform and about to dive head-first into a pool of water. I feel like I have to be like one of those divers and just make the jump and have faith that something is going to break my fall. I need prayers, ya'll! And lots of them! I'm going to be a mom. I'm going to be a mom? I'm going to be a mom! I'm terrified.

I've waited for what seemed like years to meet my daughter, my little baby, my angel and tomorrow the time arrives. I'm excited. I'm overwhelmed. I'm...

Patience & Temptation

*Sigh*

Okay, so I'm really excited about being a mom and being pregnant and all that stuff, but I am really really getting impatient. There are several reasons for my impatience though. First is just sheer curiosity: what will she look like, what will be her temperament, what will her personality be like, and other things like that. Another reason that I find myself growing impatient is just because of this diet that I am following. Now don't get me wrong, for the most part it's fairly easy to follow. It's less about what I can/can't have and more about the amounts that I can/can't have. So mostly it's not a big deal, plus I'm pregnant and down 7 pounds (who's ever heard of such a thing!) so trust me I'm not complaining. But sometimes my emotions kick in and I just get extremely upset about little things, like yesterday I was in the middle of the grocery store and I was really upset (to the point of crying) that I can't have apple juice. So, it's not the cake and brownies that I miss, it's apple juice, orange juice and more than anything...Welch's Grape Juice!!! More than all of my sugar-filled desires I want a healthy and happy (and less than 16 pound) baby, so I will continue to fight off all these temptations. For the next 10.5 weeks (give or take) but let there be no doubt after she's born I want apple, orange and grape juice for a week!!! The things we do for love!!!

Not My Will...

Okay, so I have finally reached a point where I am at peace enough to share my latest pregnancy woes (if I can call it that). Just when I felt that I had adjusted to being labeled a gestational diabetic, I go to my doctors visit on Wednesday to find that I am now labeled a chronic hypertensive gestational diabetic. Well if any of you are unsure of what that is, it basically means that I have high blood pressure as well as the diabetes. As you can imagine, I was devastated. After talking to the doctor and asking a million questions and having him waste his precious time telling me not to worry, I leave the doctor's office and make it to the car before the sky opens and my tears start to flow for what seems like an endless amount of time. I cried out of fear, out of extreme sadness, out of helplessness - knowing that I have very little control over things from here on out. I was previously not emotionally prepared to share this because the simple thought of it would bring me to tears. There are still a lot of unknowns out there but I feel as if I am more able and prepared to accept what happens, despite of what happens. I have had the prayers of close family members, I have had these same family members fast on our behalf, and I have spent time in the temple praying and listening and I can truly say that I am more peaceful than ever. I do not suggest that I know how things will turn out but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will be prepared and able to accept the outcome. I am now willing to accept Heavenly Father's will for our family which was a huge struggle for me because I always feel the need to be in complete control of my life. Don't get me wrong, the possibility of having preeclampsia, stillbirth, miscarriage and the host of other potential problems stills scares me but I have faith that things will turn out the way that they should.

Just When You Think Life Is Getting Boring...

Okay, so we had the scare of our lives this morning! At about 4:30am I woke up for my nightly bathroom trip and upon entering the bathroom and turning on the light I discovered blood. Lots and lots of blood. At this point I was hysterical but probably in shock because I didn't start to cry until I went back to the bedroom, looked at the bed and saw the blood there, and woke Brandon up to my crying. We were both horrified at the thoughts of what it could all mean. So I called my mom who somehow managed to calm me down and tell me to call the Dr. The doctor tells me to go straight to the ER, which I do. Upon arrival they take me straight back into the the part of the ER that is labeled "Critical" needless to say that didn't calm me down any. They decided the wanted me to have a female nurse, I guess they thought a female could empathize with me more, so she comes in and informs me that they're going to do a pelvic exam to make sure the plug is still in place, blood work to check my hormone levels and an ultrasound to check and make sure everything on the inside looks good as well. Well the pelvic exam went fine although she said it was hard to tell because of all the blood, although she did try to reassure me that it was "old blood" so I had definitely stopped bleeding. After that they took my blood and then wheeled me to the ultrasound department. I was helped there by a very nice lady who helped to comfort me a lot. She actually discovered that I have a 3.5cm cyst on my right ovary that none of my other doctors had found, which kinda ticked me off (not that she found it but that my other doctors hadn't found it). Other than that she took her time and let me watch our baby as much as I wanted. Upon telling her what had happened with the pictures and my last ultrasound she decided that she was going to give me a CD full of pictures of our beautiful baby (We have about 17 pictures but I'll share 4 with you). I had a blast watching Baby Fox moving around and all that fun stuff. It obviously is relaxing in there because it has its legs crossed and its head resting peacefully on its arm. So everything looked fine with the ultrasound as well. The baby has a heartbeat of 150, which is healthy and just watching him/her made me very happy and helped to reassure me dramatically. As for what the doctors say, everything seems to be fine I just have to followup with my OB/GYN next week but seeing as I had an appointment for Wednesday anyway, that won't be an issue. Anyway...

Without furthur ado...Baby Fox:

This is a good one of the profile and body

This is a face shot. You can see where the eyes are and the baby's hand beside it's head. He/She must really like that because the entire time it had it's head resting on it's hand.

Here you can see it relaxing with its little legs crossed.

Another picture of Baby Fox relaxing, must be really comfy in there!

*Sigh*

It's a miracle; I actually have some free time to post to the blog. It really is amazing! So I guess now that I have time to write that I should come up with something to write. This week started off on the rough side, I can definitely say that the pregnancy emotions are starting to kick in. But thanks to great friends and great family members I was able to get over the hump. I'm still rather impatient with this whole pregnancy process but being so busy has helped me put my mind on other things. It's kinda weird the things that pregnancy changes, it's not just about the changes to your body but I am also having mental and spiritual changes. I find myself always wanting to improve, always wanting to be better and honestly it has very little to do with me and more to do with the unborn child that I already love so much. I want to live better so that I can be a better example. I want to learn more so that I can teach more. It is absolutely amazing the things that you think about when you're pregnant! Sometimes I feel unworthy, unworthy of the unconditional love that my child will have for me, unworthy of raising one of God's most amazing creations and unworthy of this beautiful blessing that's growing inside me right this very minute. But even with all those feelings and emotions, I wouldn't change my life right now for all the money in the world. My life's not perfect but I couldn't ask for a more supportive husband, family or friends because I am so truly blessed by them all and I can't wait for my baby to be a part of it. I'm under no delusions that this whole process of having a baby and raising a child will be easy but I know that I have such a strong support group of people that are willing and anxious to help that I can't help but be excited about the whole thing. I must be one of the, if the THE, luckiest girl in the world! 143