I'll begin by clarifying what I mean when I say that I hate breastfeeding. I hate the added lack of sleep that comes along with breastfeeding. I hate my constant paranoia that I'm not giving my child enough nourishment, that she may be starving. I know she really is getting enough but since I can't measure exactly how much she's getting, I become a bit paranoid. I hate the fact that I know that every 2½-3 hours I'm going to be stuck sitting in a chair nursing for at least 40 minutes to an hour and that the clock starts at the beginning of a feeding, not at the end. I hate the sore nipples, I hate the milk that leaks all over the place, I hate having to pump when I'm engorged, I hate the feeling I get when I know that something is off but not being completely sure of how to fix it (i.e. the issues we've been having recently with latching on). So to sum it all up...I hate the first 6-8 weeks of breastfeeding.
I nursed Y for 15 months, ending in December 2009, so it's been close to 2 years since I had last breastfed. I was nervous about breastfeeding again because of this but many people assured me it was like riding a bike - I couldn't disagree more. I mean, the fundamentals are the same but as a lactation consultant I spoke with yesterday told me, "Breastfeeding is the same old dance, just with a different partner." She was right, but the partner can make all the difference!
Now, obviously, since I nursed Y for 15 months there surely must be something I like about it. And so I'll tell you that no, I don't just like breastfeeding, I LOVE breastfeeding. And there is not an ounce of sarcasm in that statement. I love that when it's time for her to eat, I don't have to mix any formula or warm a bottle, it's pretty much always ready. I love that all I have to do is drink plenty of water, eat properly and then sit back and let my body do all the work. I love the middle of the night feedings when all is quiet and it's just me and her together. I love knowing that I am giving my child the best possible food that she will ever eat in her entire life. I love the bond that is formed over that 40 minute to 1 hour time span. I love knowing that as she gets older the amount of time it takes her to nurse will decrease because her suck will become stronger. I love knowing that as long as she's drinking it, my body is going to keep making it. I love knowing that I can single-handedly provide for her nutritional needs and it doesn't cost me a dime to do it. I love knowing that I'm saving hundreds of dollars each month. I love knowing that there are tons of people out there that are willing to help me conquer the issues that come with breastfeeding and that they are all cheering me on. I love the fact that nursing is going to help me continue to not have a period for several more months (After Y was born I didn't have one for 8 whole months...heaven, I tell you!). I love that after Q was born and the nurse asked me if I was going to breastfeed, my doctor answered for me before I even had the chance to open my mouth. I love the way she looks up at me while she is nursing. I love the way she turns her head toward the boob of whomever happens to be holding her in expectation of being fed. I love the calming effect of the skin-to-skin contact. So basically I love everything about breastfeeding except the struggles of the first several weeks.
Over the past couple days as I found myself awake most of the night struggling with an infant that was latched on incorrectly and thus she was getting milk but not nearly as efficiently as she should have been, I contemplated throwing in the towel and just using formula. Just the thought of it made me cry, which I'm sure was escalated by the lack of sleep I've been dealing with. I am not anti-formula. I will supplement as I feel is necessary but the thought of failing or quitting breastfeeding just breaks my heart. Not only was I saddened by the thought of not giving her the best but even more so I was saddened at the moments of bonding I'd be missing out on. I've given both breast and bottle to both my daughters and there is an obvious emotional difference between the two, and I have no desire to miss out on that.
And so, I'll somehow make it through the coming weeks. I've done it once, I'll do it this time, and I'll do it again in the future. I think it's obvious that my love of breastfeeding wins over my hate for breastfeeding. And while I don't look down upon or judge anyone who has to formula feed out of necessity or even just out of choice, I know what the best choice is for me.
