April Fool's Day 2014

On Sunday, March 9th I took a pregnancy test.  It was negative, again, and I was truly frustrated.  You see, with both my previous pregnancies they occurred THE month we began trying.  This time around I stopped taking the pill in August and we'd decided October would the THE month this time around.  We fully expected it to be much like the previous 2 times, but no such luck!

So by the time I took that test on March 9th I was convinced something was wrong with me and I needed to get in to see my doctor right away.  So I emailed Dr. L. to ask his opinion and I figured since he opened his email by addressing me as "Dear Impatient Patient" he did not see my situation as as dire as I saw it. I presented him with all this information I had read about Secondary Infertility and he responded with, "if nothing happens by summer we'll do a work up", "start charting your cycles," "blah blah blah."  Basically nothing I wanted to hear.  

I was ready to throw in the towel. But instead I downloaded a few Basal Chart Apps and waited for Aunt Flow.  I waited...and waited...and waited and after realizing my basal body temps weren't dropping I figured something was up.  So on Friday under the guise of needing more tomatoes (I really did need them though) I went to the store and secretly bought another test.  Secretly because B thinks I buy WAY too many of those things, and he's right.  I was however determined to wait until Sunday to test again, I figured a full week was enough time to wait.  However, I'm not patient AT ALL and so I ended up testing Friday night morning around 2am...I got a VERY faint positive.  B's parents were visiting so I ever so quietly woke him but to my frustration he couldn't see what I was seeing.

And so I vowed to wait until Sunday using the famous first morning urine!  On Saturday night he urged me to take the other test in the pack but I stood firm and refused.  On Sunday morning at 3:43am my cell phone rang, it was my mom informing me of my grandma's passing.  I was awake for several hours crying and in the midst of my tears I needed to go potty and since it was technically my first morning urine...

I ended up getting a not-so-faint positive but honestly I still wasn't 100% sure (that's what I get for buying a different test than I normally use).  But after 2 positives, no sign of Aunt Flow, and a basal body temp that would not drop I drew my own conclusions.  And heaven knows I needed some good news that day to buoy my spirits.  After testing I remember returning to the living room and talking to Grandma, asking her to watch over "him" until I could hold him in my arms.

On Monday morning I called and scheduled appointments with the nurse and Dr. L. but since I was leaving town for the funeral I knew it would be a few weeks.  We told our parents and not many others (unless someone happened to ask, then I didn't lie), we knew we wanted our girls to be among the first to know and so we vowed to keep it a secret until I returned home.  Originally we wanted to wait to tell the girls and the rest of our families until the day of the ultrasound but with the appointment being scheduled for April Fool's Day I had to change some plans, it was just too tempting.

So instead we told the girls on Saturday afternoon by having them open the presents we had bought them.  They were big sister shirts.  It really turned into a type of reasoning activity with Y, getting her to figure out what it meant that she AND Q had identical shirts with Q's shirt saying "Awesome Big Sister" as well.  Y eventually caught on, Q really couldn't care less but it was fun nonetheless.  We took them out to Don Pablo's for a celebratory dinner afterwards.

When we returned home and put them to bed I prepared an email to send out to all of our close family members to announce Baby Fox #3.  Since I love shopping (especially with coupons) I thought it appropriate to use this little idea I found around the internet.  It was among the ideas I found way back in October when I was 100% certain that we'd be pregnant but it had to sit around on my computer for several more months just waiting to be finalized.

After all our close family knew it was just a matter of playing the waiting game.  Waiting for April Fool's Day to finally arrive, go to my appointment, have the ultrasound and then return home to scan the photo.  I posted it on Facebook and many thought it was an April Fool's joke, which was honestly my intention, but then there were those who knew better.  I enjoyed it and I'm so glad the secrets out of the bag.  I've always been one to share immediately once we knew we were expecting and so to keep it quiet for over 2 weeks was torturous!  

We're due just before Thanksgiving, Nov. 24, 2014 and we really couldn't be more thrilled!!!

Baby Blues or Postpartum Depression

So if you've been reading this blog or reading my Facebook posts then you know that I've been struggling through these past several weeks.  It has honestly seemed as if everything I did, or attempted to do, was an uphill and never ending battle.  I have spent a lot of the past few weeks crying and trying to reassure B, my mom and others that I'm not depressed.

I think it was harder to convince my mom of that, because let's face it, even though I don't personally feel I've ever been depressed there is a family history of depression.  Couple that with the fact that she has been pretty sad that she can't be here to help me with Y and Q and to say she has been worried about me would be a bit of an understatement.  I won't lie, I've probably given her reason to worry as I've spent quite a bit of my time on the phone with her in tears.  In tears because I felt inadequate as a mother, because I had little to no sleep, because I yelled at Y when I overreacted about something that wasn't that big of a deal in the first place.  I can go on and on but mostly I just felt alone once B returned to work.

For a while I did wonder if I were suffering from Postpartum Depression.  I Googled it to check out the symptoms.  I emailed and messaged friends who had experienced it.  I wondered if I should take a drug that would help my milk supply if it was also known to cause/worsen depression. 

In the end I prayed about it and decided to go with taking the drug.  Now things seem to be on the way up and my head is coming out of the clouds and I realize that this time, as well as with Y, it was just a case of the baby blues.  I also realize that breastfeeding was/is the main cause of those baby blues and when I looked back over this period with Y I can remember feeling many of the same feelings, only I wasn't nearly as sleep deprived.  There's no doubt about it though, the baby blues suck!  But I'm relieved that it was only the baby blues and nothing more serious like postpartum depression!

And if you're curious, no, the drug didn't cause me to have any depressive thoughts.  I used the same drug when I needed to increase my milk supply with Y and fortunately for me it works wonders without the negative side effects.  Q is nursing well, she's latching perfectly, she's gaining weight and she's sleeping better.  All pluses for me!  Hopefully those baby blues are a thing of the past!  We're having Q blessed this Sunday, she will be a day shy of 4 weeks old.  We also blessed Y when she was about the same age and that's about the point when my blues disappeared as well.  So maybe it's just those first 3-4 weeks until the breastfeeding thing is all figured out and the stress of it has fizzled.  Either way, I'm relieved to be past it!

Am I The Only One?

I have a tendency to be extremely nostalgic most of the time.  Because of this I find that there are times when I am hesitant for change while simultaneously being excited about life and some of the changes we go through in life.

Lately, as I sit and play with Y I have become increasingly thankful for this time.  The times when it's just her and I.  Don't get me wrong, I love when B is home and not at work but I also have grown to love having time with just Y.  And it's often during this times that I feel really torn.  Torn because I love being her mommy and doing absolutely nothing but tickle her or paint her toenails or watch Finding Nemo a million times - the activity doesn't matter as long as it's just us.  But on the other hand I know that it is time for us to expand our family and that once we do, it will no longer be just me and Y anymore.

Don't misunderstand me, we are definitely ready to have another baby, but I sometimes find myself sad at the thought of it no longer being just "us."  Before Y was born and even when we were trying to conceive I had similar feelings.  I knew I would miss it just being B and me, being able to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted without having to fit a naptime in the schedule or worrying about finding a babysitter, etc.  And I'll admit that after she was born, I did have a few times when I got really nostalgic and longed for those times when it was just the two of us again.  Those feelings are pretty nonexistent now, maybe because Y is 2 now and it's been so long since it was just the two of us that I have completely forgotten our "previous life" as a childless couple or maybe just because we've settled into our current routine and life.

As we now have officially decided exactly when we want to start trying (and no it's not yet) I have started to feel similar feelings again.  Wanting it to be just the three of us but at the same time knowing our family is not complete and having that strong desire to create another life and bring a spirit into the world.  I don't know why I have these moments when I want everything to stay the same because B will tell you that I've been pushing for months now to get the ball rolling and start trying to get pregnant.

Before we were pregnant with Y and even during the pregnancy, I thought I had it all figured out.  I had decided that I wanted my kids to be between 18 months and 2 years apart.  When Y was about between 3 and 6 months, that changed and I increased that to somewhere between 2 and 2½ years.  I still think that 2½ years would be perfect but right now we're looking at about 3 years between Y and her next sibling.  And honestly, I feel that to be the "right" timing for us right now. 

I am appreciative for this time of getting to know her and her personality, bonding with her and her alone.  I am enjoying so much this time with Y and watching her grow and learn new things.  I absolutely love the smile which spreads across her face when she comes to give me a goodnight hug and kiss.  I also feel as if having so much space between them will allow me to have a similar experience with the next baby.  I know that it won't be exactly the same and that Y will still need to have lots of love and attention as to not feel as she is being pushed aside for a "newer model."  But I feel like she will be at an age where she can become Mommy's Big Helper and that I will be better able to explain certain things to her about the new baby and she'll be better equipped to understand.

I am not the perfect parent, there are times when she works my nerves and I cannot wait for B to get home.  There are also times when I ask myself, "are you sure you want another one?"  But nothing in the world compares to the love I have for her and B.  I know that whenever you have another child it's as if your heart just grows and you love them the same.  And I cannot wait for that day.  Someone once told me that you "just know" when your family is complete and I absolutely believe that.  And I know that ours is not yet complete nor do I believe it will be complete after the birth of our next child but I can't seem to shake off the feelings of wanting this to stay as they are.

Does any one else ever feel this way, or am I the only one?