Pins and Needles

I have always been really good at remembering dates and numbers, when they are significant to me.  I add the significant part because it generally has to be something important to me for it to stick.  For example, before the days when absolutely everyone had a cellphone I was the person my friends called when they wanted to know another friend's number or birthday.  Since I've had a cellphone I honestly cannot tell you the last phone number I have memorized, heck, I can't even remember B's cellphone number majority of the time.  Also, don't ask me about historical dates either, because chances are, I will have absolutely no clue.  My father-in-law loves to quiz me, and anyone else present, about "famous" war dates or significant dates in history but the truth of the matter is the only historic date that sticks out to me is June 19, 1865 - the day when slaves were literally freed from slavery.  I say "literally" because even though the Emancipation Proclamation came years prior, it apparently meant very little because it was 2½ years later when they were actually freed.  Now that we're done with the history lesson I guess I should say that honestly I'm not sure why that date is the one historical date I can remember.  Maybe it's because without it I'd be picking cotton on some one's plantation right now.  Okay, maybe not, I have a little more faith in mankind than that - a little more. 

But really I'm kind of just rambling but doing so to make a point, I have a way of manipulating numbers in my mind if I feel they are important to me.  That manipulation can work for me or against me at times and right now it's really working against me.  For the last couple weeks I have been focused on a single day of my pregnancy.  That day is Sunday, January 23rd.  I will be 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  The last time I was 11 weeks and five days pregnant was February 22, 2008 and I have stressed my way through that day every year since, and probably will continue to do so.  Some of you probably remember reading about it, I wrote about it in this post.  I was bleeding, I was scared and I was an emotional wreck.  They ran tons of tests and everything checked out fine but not a single person was able to give me a definitive reason as to what would cause me to bleed that much.  I didn't find their speculations very reassuring or comforting at all, and honestly, I still don't find one bit of comfort in any of it.

About a year or so ago a friend was asking me about it and she mentioned that a mutual acquaintance has had the same thing happen to her in every one of her pregnancies (she has 5 kids).  I found this slightly comforting but also slightly disturbing.  Comforting because it has happened to her with every pregnancy and she has always gone on to deliver healthy babies.  Disturbing because I remember how I felt that day and can not imagine going through it all over again.  And so I find myself stressing over a single day when the reality is it might not happen at all, or, it might happen when I'm 11 weeks 6 days or 13 weeks or any other day of my pregnancy.  I frustrate myself just thinking about it.  And so I sit on pins and needles waiting for a day to come that may or may not come at all let alone when I am anticipating it. Everyone says, "every pregnancy is different" and I know that this is true to an extent, but I'm finding little comfort in that right now.  *Sigh*


As for other pregnancy related news, there's really not much to tell except that I am in the middle of doing a 24-hour Urinalysis.  They'll be testing my urine for protein, if they find more than expected it may be a sign of preeclampsia.  I also did this while pregnant with Y though it was much later in the pregnancy so he only felt the need to do one.  I have a feeling he'll have me doing these much more often this time around.  I am very displeased with this idea!  I hate doing it and I really hate having a gallon-sized container of urine in my refrigerator!  B suggested that I just keep it in the garage.  This wouldn't be such a horrible idea if we had a bathroom anywhere near our garage but as things stand running through the house and downstairs to the garage every time I have to go potty is not appealing to me at all.  Also, it is not simple to explain to a 2 year old, whom you're about to try to potty train, why Mommy is peeing in a cup and pouring it into a big orange jug and then placing said jug into the refrigerator.