Ok, so I am of the opinion that everyone has at least one Great Debate in their own personal lives. I like to think that I've had several but my current debate is one that I have had for many years.
Some women are born to be mothers, they know that it is what they wanna do more than anything else in life. I was never one of those girls. Honestly, I was never the girl to have a lot of dolls (unless it was Heman and Sheera) I really preferred playing with toy cars and GI Joe men with my brother. I can also honestly say that I've never really been much of a nurturer either, I never had a babysitting job, I never wanted to be around children. It wasn't that I didn't like children, I just had a really hard time relating to them and wanting to spend time with them. Over the years somethings have changed and something haven't changed. Which gets me to my great debate. In order to help you understand my plight, I'll share a little story with you.
After I had completed my freshman year at Virginia Tech, I returned home for the summer and my nephew and niece (twins) were born prematurely. My brother already had a 10 month old daughter and now he had premature twins as well. I should mention that he was a single father. So due to that and other circumstances I spent the next year at home helping my family. Well it ended up working out that we divided the babies amongst the members of the household. My parents took primary responsibility for the 10 month old, I took the twin boy and my brother took the twin girl. Now we were all in the same household so when I say "took" I mean that we took responsibility for that child. So my nephew slept in my room, I bathed him, fed him, changed him, etc. basically it was like adopting a baby or at least that's what it felt like to me at the time. Needless to say, I grew so attached to him and still to this day I feel a stronger bond to him than with my other nieces and nephews. But after a while I began to feel trapped, I wanted out. I loved him but I no longer wanted to stay home with him all the time, I began to resent the limitations that I felt. I did not want to stay at home all day with him any more. So I went out and got a job and the resentment disappeared, I was happy again.
Now I've told this story to many people before when I express my concern of being a Stay-At-Home-Mom (SAHM) and I usually get the reply, "It'll be different when you have your own kids." I suppose to an extent they might be right. I mean at that point I was 18 & 19, this is 8 years later, so naturally some things have changed. But some things have not changed. Everyone used to tell me that when I had my own that I would want to be at home with them, but here I am 24½ weeks pregnant and I still do not have that desire. For many reasons, the guilt that I felt for not having that desire lead me to decide that I didn't want to have kids. But in reality, I did want children, I still want children and I can't really say that I feel guilty anymore for not wanting to be a SAHM. Sometimes I ask myself if I'm being selfish and sometimes I say "yes" and other times I say "no." I mean, realistically, with the amount that I have in student loans I'll probably have to work in order to pay them off. So in that aspect I don't feel selfish. I mean we're really fortunate that my student loans are really the only debt that we have currently. But I also know that I don't wanna spend the next 10+ years of my life paying them off with a minimum balance when if I work they could be paid off a lot faster (I'm a finance major, crunching numbers is what I do). I just don't want to make a decision and then end up hating the decision I made and resenting myself and/or my family for that decision. I need to feel challenged, stimulated and as wonderful as children are they just don't do that for me. I am surrounded by so many women who in my opinion have perfected the art of motherhood, and I look at them in awe, but I also look at them and say to myself that there is no way I wanna do that day in and day out.
So anyway, this is my own personal Great Debate and most people seem to have a very strong opinion on the subject one way or another. And honestly, I don't mind listening to people's opinions (so feel free to share) but don't get upset if I don't agree with it or take advice that you may offer. Luckily for me, I guess I have another year before I have to make any major decisions since I'll be in night classes for the next little while and Brandon will be home with her at that time. Like I said before, this has weighed on my mind for many many years, probably since I first joined the church, and honestly it'll probably continue to weigh on my mind but I thought I'd throw it out there to see what others thought. My only request is that you please not tell me, "It'll be different with your own kids" because as I said before I am only a few months from having a kid and it still hasn't changed my mind. I guess I need more sound advice than that at this point. Anyway, it's late and I'm tired so until next time...
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4 comments:
I have to agree with Dr. Phil on this one. He always says that in order to take care of your kids, you have to take care of yourself first. Some people think that sounds selfish, but if you do it for the right reasons it's not. Here's why:
Everyone is different. Some women can't stand to be away from their kids, or they are simply happier at home with them. A stay-at-home mom who is able, financially and emotionally, to stay at home is certainly benefitting her kids. Frankly, I think all those career women who diss stay-at-home moms by saying they're setting a bad example, particularly to their daughters, is a load of crap. If you CAN and you WANT to stay home, I think it's wonderful. I'm so happy that my mom was always home with us. However, I know women who HAVE to work at least part time outside of the home, for either financial or emotional reasons -- or even both. It's become the norm, even in the Church, because most families depend on a double income. So if you find yourself needing to get a job, don't let those stay-at-home moms in their big houses whose husbands make like 200 grand a year make you feel like you're neglecting your kids for working.
All those people who say "it'll be different with your own kids" may be right or they may be wrong. Knowing you and how confident you are and you seem to know yourself very well, I would venture to guess that you won't feel any different in regards to having a career. But then again, you might find motherhood to be so life-changing that you will feel different. Only time will tell. Either way, I know you're not a selfish person, so you will do what is best for you and your family.
PS: Ditto on He-Man and She-Ra. I never wanted to burp and change a doll when I could do her hair or put a mini-skirt on her. Way more fun!
Not that I have any great advice but just wanted to let you know that many of us, including myself have felt and continue to feel that conflict. Even when you make the decision you'll have your good days and your bad; you'll have your doubts...it's NOT easy. But you have to TRUST in the Lord and spend a lot of time on your knees and while it won't make it an easy decision but it will make each day a little easier to get through b/c you'll know you're doing what the Lord wants! Good Luck--you're going to be a fabulous mom...you're too fun not to be!
Once upon a time our church used to permit the use of plural marriage among those worthy of it.... The world's view of it ultimately lead to that being changed.
For reasons unbeknown to most of us, blacks weren't allowed the priesthood for a time and this changed in 1978. Maybe the reason it was originally so was because of the prejudices of the world that the church already had, and being seen to accept blacks would have put an already shaky at times view of the world to open war. Who knows. The point i'm making is that some things change, even within the church.
Yes, women are here to be mothers, but so are men to be fathers. The world has changed, it's more complicated and there are more pressures on us than before. Education is expensive, it's not as easy to get a mortgage and it's not so easy to get around without your own transport, things that all cost money. I think the Lord knows that and he knows each of our circumstances.
I think he also knows women are now more educated than ever before (quite why it wasn't like that before i don't know) and that leads to further challenging demands for women.
It used to be said that the place for women was in the home, but i think that is no longer so. I think the place for a "mother" might be in the home. I think that children should always be able to come home from school and a parent be there to attend to them, whether that be the tradition of mother or open to a father being there. It's about equality now.
The spreading of roles through the genders doesn't take away the fact that women and men still have very different qualities to bring to the table. If your need is to go out and work, then you'll need to do that.... as long as your chilren's needs are met within the walls of your home, it doesn't matter which parent it comes from.
Nobody is perfect at mothering, we take each moment and each day and do our best.
If you really want to know what you should do, pray. Heavenly Father knows what your child will need to learn and grow and be happy. And if His will for you is something that seems hard for you, He will bless you with strength and understanding.
Personally, I know that my children need me to be home with them. Not only does it create trust and confidence, but they have stablilty as well.
I agree with the taking care of yourself part, too. You have to have a full cup to keep filling others.
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