My Current Inner Struggle: VBAC or C-Section

Ever since finding out we were pregnant I have had one subject nagging me constantly at the back of my brain:  Vaginal-Birth-After-Cesarean (VBAC) or C-Section.  I thought I had my mind made up, and I guess in many ways I still do, but the opposition is always knocking at my brain with all the possible what-if scenarios.  It can be extremely nerve-wrecking especially when I realize that I have another 7 months to deal with what is quickly becoming an inner-turmoil. 

When pregnant with Y I had a lot of preconceived notions about what my birth experience would be.  I decided (or thought I had decided) fairly early on that I would NOT be induced and I would NOT have a C-section.  I knew the statistics and I knew the risks and I wanted no part of it, and that was that.  Well up until I was 37½ weeks pregnant, sick of being pregnant, and had an Ultrasound Tech tell me that I was carrying a 9lb. (+/- 1lb.) baby inside me.  That is when the tune changed and when the doctor said that unless my body started to labor on its own then he would induce me in 1½ weeks I was all over it.  Well, sort of.  I still really didn't want to be medically induced so I set out to do what I could to induce labor on my own (obviously none of it worked) but I was excited that there was a definite end in sight.

As most of you know, my body didn't cooperate with me and we drove to the hospital around 6:30am on a Wednesday morning and after checking all my vitals and setting everything up I had a pitocin drip by 7am.  As I look back I realize how naive I was.  I just knew that I would be holding my dear sweet little girl in only a few hours, I actually figured it'd be no later than 8pm - 13 hours was plenty of time, right?  I mean I was already 3cm when I got there, how long could 7 more centimeters take?  HA!  I didn't even reach 4cm until 12:45pm.  Anyway, I won't bore you with the entire, drawn out story but I will say that when I finally got the go ahead to begin pushing at 12:00am I was still only 9¾cm.  After pushing for 2½ hours she was still only at a -2 station.  At 2:30am the option of C-Section was presented and even though the likelihood of a 3rd or even 4th degree tear was presented, it was still an extremely hard decision for me.  By 2:45am I had caved and once again changed my tune, I was being prepped for surgery.  Between the time that I was pushed into the OR and hearing the time called out at 3:49am I don't remember much aside from being colder than I had ever been in my entire life - that is no exaggeration!  B said I snored through the entire operation, but really, can you blame me?

I have no regrets regarding the outcome of my labor story, I got a healthy and happy little girl.  But I have realized that I regret not taking more of a stand or asking more questions.  I've told B that this time around I REFUSE to be induced - easy to say when you're 8 weeks and not 38 weeks, but this time I feel as if I have a new resolve.  I don't believe that my body was ready for labor when I was induced and I think the end result of a C-Section was a direct result of that.  Now I am not, by any means, anti-C-Section.  I healed extremely well and extremely quickly, though I've nothing else to compare it to.  But I often find myself running through all the what-ifs that can occur anytime you make an important decision, you sometimes find yourself wondering what would have happened had you made the opposite choice.

And so I replay all this over and over again in my head as I research all the Pros and Cons of VBACs and C-Sections and I realize that the hardest part of it is the unknown.  No two labors are alike so I really have no clue what to expect.  I may end up with a much smaller baby, I may go into labor on my own at 38 weeks or so, the possibilities are endless and the reality is that those possibilities could either be positive or negative. 

I consider myself one of the lucky ones: I have a hospital that allows VBACs, I have a doctor who is willing to perform a VBAC and I have health insurance that covers a VBAC and with those three things half the battle is already won.  I have made a few decisions regarding this pregnancy though.  I will not, under any circumstances, plan now to have a C-Section, there will be no scheduled dates or even the discussion of one.  It's not even on my radar until at least 36 weeks.  I will be much more firm in my decisions this time around, it's my body and ultimately the decision is mine.  I will not refuse to have a C-Section if I absolutely feel it is necessary but at the same time I totally plan on doing a TOL (Trial of Labor).  I will continue to do research and know all of the pros and cons of VBACs and C-Section and I will not allow the opinions of others to corrupt my own opinions on the matter.  I will definitely be seeking out information and advice from those who have had successful VBACs.  I will be having several frank conversations with my doctor between now and then on increasing my chances of having a successful VBAC.

Just thinking about this subject can really bring tears to my eyes.  It is really becoming an emotional topic for me, I guess I'll blame it on the hormones.  I know that there is a lot riding on the outcome:  I know that with each C-Section the uterine wall becomes more and more fragile and that with each subsequent pregnancy the risk becomes greater.  I guess that is why I am putting so much pressure on myself.  We know that we either want 3 or 4 children but if they have to be delivered via C-Section (and having 2 C-Sections and 0 Vaginal births almost guarantees that) I can honestly say I wouldn't feel comfortable having any more than three.  And as I said, 3 may end up being all we really want to have but I don't want this debate to dictate that.  I'm a worrier by nature and so all the risks involved do intimidate me to some degree.  I guess I need to learn to rely more upon the comfort that Heavenly Father can provide over my own means of comfort.  "Let go and let God" as my mom and grandma used to say.

A Decision...I Think!

So for all those who have been following our blog, you know all about my great debate - to be a stay at home mom or a working mom. It's sort of weird, I always wanted to be a career woman and never really wanted to be a mom. And then it all changed. For me it didn't happen instantaneously the moment I first looked into my baby's eyes like it seems to happen for some people. For me it came slowly, during her morning feedings I'd imagine not being able to share that time with her. Or as I dress her in the morning I would imagine having to hurry through the process because I needed to get her to daycare as soon as possible so I wouldn't be late for work. Or rushing home to fix dinner and having very little time for her. And every time I thought of these things my heart broke and after a while I realized that the career wasn't what I wanted at all. Not if it meant sacrificing those special moments with my daughter. I'd think to myself, "maybe it'll get easier as she grows older" and I'm sure it would but then thoughts of baby #2 and #3 and #4 pop into my head and I know that there is no way that I would be able to leave them after only 6 weeks of maternity leave. Last week I was visiting a site for work at home moms and a question was posed, it asked: "What have you/do you sacrifice to stay at home with your kids?" The question really struck me and I asked myself what am I willing to sacrifice and I must say that at this point I'd sacrifice pretty much anything. And so, I think the decision has been made...I'm staying home and that decision has brought me a lot of peace. I still have student loans to pay back so if need be I'll find a retail job that allows me to work a few hours a week. Maybe one day I'll have that career of my dreams, but for now...I'm a mom!

A good friend of mine shared with me a poem months ago after one of my baby showers and I didn't really appreciate it then, but I can truly appreciate it now. The poem didn't influence my decision but it really hits home with me and brings tears to my time each time I read it. I thought I'd post it here and share it with you all. It doesn't have a title and the author is listed as unknown but it's beautiful all the same! Here goes:

She came tonight as I sat alone

The girl I used to be...

And she gazed at me with her earnest eye

And questioned reproachfully

Have you forgotten the many plans

And hopes that I had for you?

The great career, the splendid fame

All wonderful things to do?

Where is the mansion of stately height

With all of its gardens rare?

The silken robes that I dreamed for you

And the jewels for your hair?

And as she spoke I was very sad,

For I wanted her pleased with me...

This slender girl from the shadowy past

The girl that I used to be

So gently arising, I took her hand,

And guided her up the stair

Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay

Innocent, sweet and fair

And I told her that these are my only gems,

and precious they are to me;

That silken robe is my motherhood

Of costly simplicity.

And my mansion of stately height is love,

And the only career I know,

Is serving each day in these sheltering walls

For the dear ones who come and go.

And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,

She smiled through her tears at me;

And I saw that the woman that I am now

Pleased the girl that I used to be...

--Author Unknown

It's amazing that I went from being a girl who never wanted to be a mom to a woman who only wants to be a mom. Life definitely changes us and, if we allow it, turns us into the people that Heavenly Father would have us be. I love my life! 143

The Great Debate

Ok, so I am of the opinion that everyone has at least one Great Debate in their own personal lives. I like to think that I've had several but my current debate is one that I have had for many years.

Some women are born to be mothers, they know that it is what they wanna do more than anything else in life. I was never one of those girls. Honestly, I was never the girl to have a lot of dolls (unless it was Heman and Sheera) I really preferred playing with toy cars and GI Joe men with my brother. I can also honestly say that I've never really been much of a nurturer either, I never had a babysitting job, I never wanted to be around children. It wasn't that I didn't like children, I just had a really hard time relating to them and wanting to spend time with them. Over the years somethings have changed and something haven't changed. Which gets me to my great debate. In order to help you understand my plight, I'll share a little story with you.

After I had completed my freshman year at Virginia Tech, I returned home for the summer and my nephew and niece (twins) were born prematurely. My brother already had a 10 month old daughter and now he had premature twins as well. I should mention that he was a single father. So due to that and other circumstances I spent the next year at home helping my family. Well it ended up working out that we divided the babies amongst the members of the household. My parents took primary responsibility for the 10 month old, I took the twin boy and my brother took the twin girl. Now we were all in the same household so when I say "took" I mean that we took responsibility for that child. So my nephew slept in my room, I bathed him, fed him, changed him, etc. basically it was like adopting a baby or at least that's what it felt like to me at the time. Needless to say, I grew so attached to him and still to this day I feel a stronger bond to him than with my other nieces and nephews. But after a while I began to feel trapped, I wanted out. I loved him but I no longer wanted to stay home with him all the time, I began to resent the limitations that I felt. I did not want to stay at home all day with him any more. So I went out and got a job and the resentment disappeared, I was happy again.

Now I've told this story to many people before when I express my concern of being a Stay-At-Home-Mom (SAHM) and I usually get the reply, "It'll be different when you have your own kids." I suppose to an extent they might be right. I mean at that point I was 18 & 19, this is 8 years later, so naturally some things have changed. But some things have not changed. Everyone used to tell me that when I had my own that I would want to be at home with them, but here I am 24½ weeks pregnant and I still do not have that desire. For many reasons, the guilt that I felt for not having that desire lead me to decide that I didn't want to have kids. But in reality, I did want children, I still want children and I can't really say that I feel guilty anymore for not wanting to be a SAHM. Sometimes I ask myself if I'm being selfish and sometimes I say "yes" and other times I say "no." I mean, realistically, with the amount that I have in student loans I'll probably have to work in order to pay them off. So in that aspect I don't feel selfish. I mean we're really fortunate that my student loans are really the only debt that we have currently. But I also know that I don't wanna spend the next 10+ years of my life paying them off with a minimum balance when if I work they could be paid off a lot faster (I'm a finance major, crunching numbers is what I do). I just don't want to make a decision and then end up hating the decision I made and resenting myself and/or my family for that decision. I need to feel challenged, stimulated and as wonderful as children are they just don't do that for me. I am surrounded by so many women who in my opinion have perfected the art of motherhood, and I look at them in awe, but I also look at them and say to myself that there is no way I wanna do that day in and day out.

So anyway, this is my own personal Great Debate and most people seem to have a very strong opinion on the subject one way or another. And honestly, I don't mind listening to people's opinions (so feel free to share) but don't get upset if I don't agree with it or take advice that you may offer. Luckily for me, I guess I have another year before I have to make any major decisions since I'll be in night classes for the next little while and Brandon will be home with her at that time. Like I said before, this has weighed on my mind for many many years, probably since I first joined the church, and honestly it'll probably continue to weigh on my mind but I thought I'd throw it out there to see what others thought. My only request is that you please not tell me, "It'll be different with your own kids" because as I said before I am only a few months from having a kid and it still hasn't changed my mind. I guess I need more sound advice than that at this point. Anyway, it's late and I'm tired so until next time...