Lately, as I sit and play with Y I have become increasingly thankful for this time. The times when it's just her and I. Don't get me wrong, I love when B is home and not at work but I also have grown to love having time with just Y. And it's often during this times that I feel really torn. Torn because I love being her mommy and doing absolutely nothing but tickle her or paint her toenails or watch Finding Nemo a million times - the activity doesn't matter as long as it's just us. But on the other hand I know that it is time for us to expand our family and that once we do, it will no longer be just me and Y anymore.
Don't misunderstand me, we are definitely ready to have another baby, but I sometimes find myself sad at the thought of it no longer being just "us." Before Y was born and even when we were trying to conceive I had similar feelings. I knew I would miss it just being B and me, being able to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted without having to fit a naptime in the schedule or worrying about finding a babysitter, etc. And I'll admit that after she was born, I did have a few times when I got really nostalgic and longed for those times when it was just the two of us again. Those feelings are pretty nonexistent now, maybe because Y is 2 now and it's been so long since it was just the two of us that I have completely forgotten our "previous life" as a childless couple or maybe just because we've settled into our current routine and life.
As we now have officially decided exactly when we want to start trying (and no it's not yet) I have started to feel similar feelings again. Wanting it to be just the three of us but at the same time knowing our family is not complete and having that strong desire to create another life and bring a spirit into the world. I don't know why I have these moments when I want everything to stay the same because B will tell you that I've been pushing for months now to get the ball rolling and start trying to get pregnant.
Before we were pregnant with Y and even during the pregnancy, I thought I had it all figured out. I had decided that I wanted my kids to be between 18 months and 2 years apart. When Y was about between 3 and 6 months, that changed and I increased that to somewhere between 2 and 2½ years. I still think that 2½ years would be perfect but right now we're looking at about 3 years between Y and her next sibling. And honestly, I feel that to be the "right" timing for us right now.
I am appreciative for this time of getting to know her and her personality, bonding with her and her alone. I am enjoying so much this time with Y and watching her grow and learn new things. I absolutely love the smile which spreads across her face when she comes to give me a goodnight hug and kiss. I also feel as if having so much space between them will allow me to have a similar experience with the next baby. I know that it won't be exactly the same and that Y will still need to have lots of love and attention as to not feel as she is being pushed aside for a "newer model." But I feel like she will be at an age where she can become Mommy's Big Helper and that I will be better able to explain certain things to her about the new baby and she'll be better equipped to understand.
I am not the perfect parent, there are times when she works my nerves and I cannot wait for B to get home. There are also times when I ask myself, "are you sure you want another one?" But nothing in the world compares to the love I have for her and B. I know that whenever you have another child it's as if your heart just grows and you love them the same. And I cannot wait for that day. Someone once told me that you "just know" when your family is complete and I absolutely believe that. And I know that ours is not yet complete nor do I believe it will be complete after the birth of our next child but I can't seem to shake off the feelings of wanting this to stay as they are.
Does any one else ever feel this way, or am I the only one?
1 comment:
your feelings are absolutely normal. Even after our second child was born, the first few weeks, and even months, there were moments when I felt guilty for having a second child, and for having to divide my attention, but like you said, your heart and your love grows, and the beautiful thing is now my boys adore each other too.
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