My Current Inner Struggle: VBAC or C-Section

Ever since finding out we were pregnant I have had one subject nagging me constantly at the back of my brain:  Vaginal-Birth-After-Cesarean (VBAC) or C-Section.  I thought I had my mind made up, and I guess in many ways I still do, but the opposition is always knocking at my brain with all the possible what-if scenarios.  It can be extremely nerve-wrecking especially when I realize that I have another 7 months to deal with what is quickly becoming an inner-turmoil. 

When pregnant with Y I had a lot of preconceived notions about what my birth experience would be.  I decided (or thought I had decided) fairly early on that I would NOT be induced and I would NOT have a C-section.  I knew the statistics and I knew the risks and I wanted no part of it, and that was that.  Well up until I was 37½ weeks pregnant, sick of being pregnant, and had an Ultrasound Tech tell me that I was carrying a 9lb. (+/- 1lb.) baby inside me.  That is when the tune changed and when the doctor said that unless my body started to labor on its own then he would induce me in 1½ weeks I was all over it.  Well, sort of.  I still really didn't want to be medically induced so I set out to do what I could to induce labor on my own (obviously none of it worked) but I was excited that there was a definite end in sight.

As most of you know, my body didn't cooperate with me and we drove to the hospital around 6:30am on a Wednesday morning and after checking all my vitals and setting everything up I had a pitocin drip by 7am.  As I look back I realize how naive I was.  I just knew that I would be holding my dear sweet little girl in only a few hours, I actually figured it'd be no later than 8pm - 13 hours was plenty of time, right?  I mean I was already 3cm when I got there, how long could 7 more centimeters take?  HA!  I didn't even reach 4cm until 12:45pm.  Anyway, I won't bore you with the entire, drawn out story but I will say that when I finally got the go ahead to begin pushing at 12:00am I was still only 9¾cm.  After pushing for 2½ hours she was still only at a -2 station.  At 2:30am the option of C-Section was presented and even though the likelihood of a 3rd or even 4th degree tear was presented, it was still an extremely hard decision for me.  By 2:45am I had caved and once again changed my tune, I was being prepped for surgery.  Between the time that I was pushed into the OR and hearing the time called out at 3:49am I don't remember much aside from being colder than I had ever been in my entire life - that is no exaggeration!  B said I snored through the entire operation, but really, can you blame me?

I have no regrets regarding the outcome of my labor story, I got a healthy and happy little girl.  But I have realized that I regret not taking more of a stand or asking more questions.  I've told B that this time around I REFUSE to be induced - easy to say when you're 8 weeks and not 38 weeks, but this time I feel as if I have a new resolve.  I don't believe that my body was ready for labor when I was induced and I think the end result of a C-Section was a direct result of that.  Now I am not, by any means, anti-C-Section.  I healed extremely well and extremely quickly, though I've nothing else to compare it to.  But I often find myself running through all the what-ifs that can occur anytime you make an important decision, you sometimes find yourself wondering what would have happened had you made the opposite choice.

And so I replay all this over and over again in my head as I research all the Pros and Cons of VBACs and C-Sections and I realize that the hardest part of it is the unknown.  No two labors are alike so I really have no clue what to expect.  I may end up with a much smaller baby, I may go into labor on my own at 38 weeks or so, the possibilities are endless and the reality is that those possibilities could either be positive or negative. 

I consider myself one of the lucky ones: I have a hospital that allows VBACs, I have a doctor who is willing to perform a VBAC and I have health insurance that covers a VBAC and with those three things half the battle is already won.  I have made a few decisions regarding this pregnancy though.  I will not, under any circumstances, plan now to have a C-Section, there will be no scheduled dates or even the discussion of one.  It's not even on my radar until at least 36 weeks.  I will be much more firm in my decisions this time around, it's my body and ultimately the decision is mine.  I will not refuse to have a C-Section if I absolutely feel it is necessary but at the same time I totally plan on doing a TOL (Trial of Labor).  I will continue to do research and know all of the pros and cons of VBACs and C-Section and I will not allow the opinions of others to corrupt my own opinions on the matter.  I will definitely be seeking out information and advice from those who have had successful VBACs.  I will be having several frank conversations with my doctor between now and then on increasing my chances of having a successful VBAC.

Just thinking about this subject can really bring tears to my eyes.  It is really becoming an emotional topic for me, I guess I'll blame it on the hormones.  I know that there is a lot riding on the outcome:  I know that with each C-Section the uterine wall becomes more and more fragile and that with each subsequent pregnancy the risk becomes greater.  I guess that is why I am putting so much pressure on myself.  We know that we either want 3 or 4 children but if they have to be delivered via C-Section (and having 2 C-Sections and 0 Vaginal births almost guarantees that) I can honestly say I wouldn't feel comfortable having any more than three.  And as I said, 3 may end up being all we really want to have but I don't want this debate to dictate that.  I'm a worrier by nature and so all the risks involved do intimidate me to some degree.  I guess I need to learn to rely more upon the comfort that Heavenly Father can provide over my own means of comfort.  "Let go and let God" as my mom and grandma used to say.