Saying Goodbye

I arrived in North Carolina on Thursday, the viewing was scheduled for Friday afternoon and the funeral on Saturday.  I found myself very emotional at just the thought of seeing Grandma laying there in a casket.  I truly could not bare the thought of it so you can imagine how apprehensive I was once we arrived at the funeral home and were asked to approve of the body.

I cried and I was emotional but oddly enough I felt calm and peace.  I was truly able to stand there with the body and know it was just a vessel.  I have no doubt that my grandma was there with me at that exact moment, she comforted me, she gave me the strength I needed at that moment and in many moments sense.

The viewing and funeral were both well attended.  Many people that I didn't know but who all knew me or knew of me.  I introduced myself to one of her friends, her name was Ms. Marie and they had lived on the same street for 40+ years.  I vaguely remember her asking me a question and when I answered I somehow ended up mentioning that I live in Michigan.  She looked at me with a hint of recognition and she said, "oh, you're the one she'd talk on the phone to every Sunday.  I remember she'd always tell me she was waitin' on her grandbaby to call."  It brought such a big smile to my face, Grandma loved those phone calls and they are a memory that I am so glad I have to hold on to forever.

We went back to the grave site to give it final approval on Monday.  And while there I remember mentioning to my mom that it all felt so surreal.  In many ways it still doesn't feel real.  I suppose with time it will just become reality but for now it just seems like an alternate reality.

Memories of Grandma

I've always had a close relationship with my grandma, in fact I always struggle to wrap my heads around how it is that someone can not be close to their grandma, it truly seems foreign to me when I think of it.  But I try to step back and realize that not everyone lived in such close proximity to their grandmas and so maybe the relationships were different.  Maybe too it has something to do with my Grandma only having 3 grandkids - my sister, my brother, and myself.

Up until the time I was around 10 (with the exception of 1 year) I had always lived no more than 2 houses away from my grandma and right next door to my Great-Grandma and Great-Aunt.  We were small in number but were we ever close!  From an early age my grandma would pile us in her car and we'd go pick strawberries, grapes, blueberries, you name it.  As we got older she taught us to fish and would even bait my hook for me because she knew that was the only part I hated.  Well that and taking the fish off the hook! She bought me my first bicycle for Christmas one year, each year we'd submit a list of school supplies to her and she would buy everything on our list.  When we would go visit her all we ever wanted to watch on TV were MTV and BET, and after a little while she'd come inside and start dancing in the middle of the living room floor.  Oh, and boy did she love to pull pranks!

She loved us more than anything and she made sure we knew it.  She was as nice as pie to everyone around her, until they gave her a reason not to be, and if that ever happened...WATCH OUT!!!  Fortunately, that side of my grandma was never ever directed towards us but we had the opportunity to see it directed at others on a few occasions.  Mom would tell us stories from when she was a child as a way to help us see just how much our grandma had changed.

When I moved away to Michigan I decided that no matter what I would make sure I called my Grandma EVERY Sunday.  I never missed a call.  Those phone calls were just as important to me as they were to her.  I miss them but it death hasn't stopped me from talking to her.  I know she hears me, I know she remains close to all of us.  I can feel her with me all the time.

Loss

A matter of hours after writing my last post, where I declared my allegiance to updating this blog, I received the phone call that my grandma had passed.

I thought I was prepared for it.  I learned that nothing can ever really prepare you for it.  It became THE hardest day of my life thus far, replacing the day when we drove away to Michigan with my entire family waving goodbye on the front porch.

The call came in at 3:43am and I instantly knew.  My mom gave me the news and we talked briefly.  She told me how the entire family - my parents, siblings, and all my nieces and nephews - had spent the night in her room at her bedside.  She told me of how Grandma had been fine at 3am but by 3:30am she had passed away.  I remember hanging up the phone and sitting quietly in my bed for about 5 or 10 minutes.  I remember marveling to myself how well I was handling it and then something cracked and the dam broke.  It literally took me the remainder of the day to compose myself.  Even though she had been sick and steadily declining for almost 9 months, even though I knew upon leaving North Carolina after our visit last summer that I wouldn't see her alive again, even though she was 85 years old...none of it prepared me.

I received so many phone calls, texts, emails, messages, etc.  It felt amazing to know that there were so many people supporting me through my loss but in many ways I felt inconsolable.

Heartbreaking

Pretty much my entire day today was filled with thoughts about gratitude.  Mostly about how I tend to focus more on what I could have without expressing gratitude for what I do have.  Some examples:

• I want B to finally get that better job he's been searching for...B has a job that provides us with all that we need (plus a little extra).
• I want a second car...We have a car that, besides a dead battery once, has NEVER given us a single issue.
• I want a bigger house...We have a beautiful home that provides us with shelter from the elements and offers us sufficient space.

I could go on with more examples but I'll spare you the boredom of reading them all and I'll spare myself the embarrassment of sounding even more whiny.  The truth of the matter is I'm richly blessed, probably much more so than I deserve. 

And so while already contemplating this and feeling heavy hearted at my lack of appreciation for all of the wonderful blessings that I do have, I came across this article while reading news headlines on Yahoo.  It's about a mother and her son, the son who was not quite 3 years old had been diagnosed with a disease known as EB at birth.  He did in his mother's arms.  She has a blog and so I clicked the link in the article to visit her blog.  I read the following words, her words, and I cried:

My precious angel received his wings today.  I have had many nightmares about having to write this post.  He was exactly 2 years and 8 months old.  It happened within minutes of me picking him up out of bed and rocking him.  He took his last peaceful breaths in my arms, in his most favorite spot.  My heart literally hurts more than I ever thought was possible.  I'm completely lost without him and don't know where to go or what to do when my feet hit the floor.  I miss him so much it physically hurts.

 I cried because she is suffering an unimaginable loss.  I cried because, while I've never myself experienced a loss such as hers, I could place myself in her shoes and understand just how deeply it must hurt.  I cried because I cradle my own babies next to me everyday and the thought of waking up one day and doing that for the last time breaks my heart.  And I cried because I have two beautiful, happy, healthy little girls and I don't express my gratitude for that nearly enough.

And so, with that I've added a goal for 2012!  And it'd undoubtedly the most important goal I could ever set.  In 2012 I want to take less for granted, to express gratitude for the blessings I have and stop focusing so much time and attention on the blessings I don't yet have and may never have.  Because in the end how many cars we have or how much space we have are completely unimportant.  We are alive, we are healthy, we are happy and we have all that we need - that's plenty cause for us to celebrate!

No Worries, We're Still Here...

Wow, I do believe that this has been the longest hiatus from blogging that I've ever taken. It's definitely not that I haven't been thinking about blogging, because I have, I just had a very important deadline to meet and so every spare minute I had was put into that project. So this post is strictly dedicated to updating you on the going-ons of our life the past few weeks.

Condo: My last post was a copy and paste of an email (lame, I know) which I sent to our family members regarding the very disappointing news we received. Well, we received that call on a Monday afternoon and on Tuesday night we went to view 4 other places. To make a long story short after we looked at the four there was really only one that we would even consider. We talked about it and on Wednesday morning called our agent and asked him to get the answers to some of our questions from the selling agent because we were interested. Our agent calls back within an hours time and informs me that an offer had come in on the condo this morning and the selling agent was giving us an hour to decide if we wanted to submit an offer or not. Long story short, we passed on it - to weighty of a decision to make in an hour, plus it didn't leave time for all of our questions to be answered so in the end we just decided to not go for it. We looked for other things but as the April 30th deadline grew closer I knew that we probably weren't going to find anything and honestly, I was okay with that. So as it stands now, we are still looking around and seeing what's out there but unfortunately there's not a whole lot left now especially when you compare it to what was available when we first put in the offer on the short sale. We believe that everything happens for a reason and are remaining optimistic. We did face a dilemma in that our lease ends in June and we needed to decide whether we would sign another lease or just go month-to-month (which tacks on an additional fee to the rent each month). I told B of an idea which popped in my head, to go get a pre-approval (which are only good for 90 days) and as long as our pre-approval is valid we'll go month-to-month and if we find something within that time then we just inform our apartment office of our intent. If we do not find anything within that time frame then we do one of two things: 1) sign a new lease, 2) get another pre-approval and keep paying month-to-month.

Death in the family: Last week B's Granddad died. He had prostate cancer and due to his age (86) it was decided that they wouldn't treat the cancer just the pain it caused. We all knew it was coming but I don't think even having that knowledge can truly prepare you for someones death. I first met Grandpa Charlie back in 2004 when I first visited Canada. You always hear people say in regards to someone else that "he/she never knew a stranger" well that pretty much summed up Grandpa Charlie. Relatively speaking I didn't know him that long or really even that well but I always enjoyed being in his presence, he told great stories of places he had travelled and it was absolutely amazing the things that he could remember.

I only ever knew one of my grandfathers but even he died when I was only 8 years old. The memories that I do have of my granddad weren't all pleasant (he was kind of a mean old man who showed love in his own way and on his own terms) so it wasn't until I first met Grandpa Charlie that I realized that those "TV granddads" really do exist. You know the ones like you see on the Werther's Original commercials; you see him playing with and spending time with his grandchildren and of course unwrapping the piece of candy to share with them. I am grateful that I was blessed with the opportunity to him, he is missed and loved by all who knew him.