Loss

A matter of hours after writing my last post, where I declared my allegiance to updating this blog, I received the phone call that my grandma had passed.

I thought I was prepared for it.  I learned that nothing can ever really prepare you for it.  It became THE hardest day of my life thus far, replacing the day when we drove away to Michigan with my entire family waving goodbye on the front porch.

The call came in at 3:43am and I instantly knew.  My mom gave me the news and we talked briefly.  She told me how the entire family - my parents, siblings, and all my nieces and nephews - had spent the night in her room at her bedside.  She told me of how Grandma had been fine at 3am but by 3:30am she had passed away.  I remember hanging up the phone and sitting quietly in my bed for about 5 or 10 minutes.  I remember marveling to myself how well I was handling it and then something cracked and the dam broke.  It literally took me the remainder of the day to compose myself.  Even though she had been sick and steadily declining for almost 9 months, even though I knew upon leaving North Carolina after our visit last summer that I wouldn't see her alive again, even though she was 85 years old...none of it prepared me.

I received so many phone calls, texts, emails, messages, etc.  It felt amazing to know that there were so many people supporting me through my loss but in many ways I felt inconsolable.