A Decision...I Think!

So for all those who have been following our blog, you know all about my great debate - to be a stay at home mom or a working mom. It's sort of weird, I always wanted to be a career woman and never really wanted to be a mom. And then it all changed. For me it didn't happen instantaneously the moment I first looked into my baby's eyes like it seems to happen for some people. For me it came slowly, during her morning feedings I'd imagine not being able to share that time with her. Or as I dress her in the morning I would imagine having to hurry through the process because I needed to get her to daycare as soon as possible so I wouldn't be late for work. Or rushing home to fix dinner and having very little time for her. And every time I thought of these things my heart broke and after a while I realized that the career wasn't what I wanted at all. Not if it meant sacrificing those special moments with my daughter. I'd think to myself, "maybe it'll get easier as she grows older" and I'm sure it would but then thoughts of baby #2 and #3 and #4 pop into my head and I know that there is no way that I would be able to leave them after only 6 weeks of maternity leave. Last week I was visiting a site for work at home moms and a question was posed, it asked: "What have you/do you sacrifice to stay at home with your kids?" The question really struck me and I asked myself what am I willing to sacrifice and I must say that at this point I'd sacrifice pretty much anything. And so, I think the decision has been made...I'm staying home and that decision has brought me a lot of peace. I still have student loans to pay back so if need be I'll find a retail job that allows me to work a few hours a week. Maybe one day I'll have that career of my dreams, but for now...I'm a mom!

A good friend of mine shared with me a poem months ago after one of my baby showers and I didn't really appreciate it then, but I can truly appreciate it now. The poem didn't influence my decision but it really hits home with me and brings tears to my time each time I read it. I thought I'd post it here and share it with you all. It doesn't have a title and the author is listed as unknown but it's beautiful all the same! Here goes:

She came tonight as I sat alone

The girl I used to be...

And she gazed at me with her earnest eye

And questioned reproachfully

Have you forgotten the many plans

And hopes that I had for you?

The great career, the splendid fame

All wonderful things to do?

Where is the mansion of stately height

With all of its gardens rare?

The silken robes that I dreamed for you

And the jewels for your hair?

And as she spoke I was very sad,

For I wanted her pleased with me...

This slender girl from the shadowy past

The girl that I used to be

So gently arising, I took her hand,

And guided her up the stair

Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay

Innocent, sweet and fair

And I told her that these are my only gems,

and precious they are to me;

That silken robe is my motherhood

Of costly simplicity.

And my mansion of stately height is love,

And the only career I know,

Is serving each day in these sheltering walls

For the dear ones who come and go.

And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,

She smiled through her tears at me;

And I saw that the woman that I am now

Pleased the girl that I used to be...

--Author Unknown

It's amazing that I went from being a girl who never wanted to be a mom to a woman who only wants to be a mom. Life definitely changes us and, if we allow it, turns us into the people that Heavenly Father would have us be. I love my life! 143