Reminiscing

Last night, Y woke up because she went poop (it always wakes her up if she's asleep, but luckily it doesn't happen too often). And while I was putting her back to bed it reminded me of a some thoughts that I wanted to use in a post last week.

I have been reading the book My Sister's Keeper and I find that the only real time I have to read is in bed at night when Y and B have already fallen asleep. Well, I also find that I get so entrenched in books that I have a hard time pulling myself away. On this particular night I stopped reading around 1:15am and no sooner did I close the book, Y woke up.

I waited a few minutes to see if she would settle herself back in and after she didn't I went in to check on her. Well, the smell immediately hit me and the diaper change was second only to prunes for being the WORST diaper I've ever changed (she had just started eating broccoli). So I changed her and I had been worried that during the changing process she would end up fully waking up and then I'd never get to sleep. So I pleasantly surprised when I rocked her a little and she started drifting off to sleep, so I move to lay her back in her crib. However, before I had the opportunity to do that, I get a second whiff of that very unpleasant aroma and we were right back at the changing table. Only this time she woke up and noticed our shadows on the ceiling from the nightlight. She had just recently become very intrigued by her shadows and so she woke up and started giggling and playing - this of course was not what I wanted to see at 1:45am.

I get her all cleaned up and place her in her crib to go to sleep but she sits up and starts to play. So then I try the trick of putting her in bed with us, waiting for her to drift off to sleep and then putting her back in her crib. So I take her to our bedroom and lay her between the two of us and she almost immediately sits up and starts playing. She starts jumping all over B and having a little private party while he is asleep and I am trying my best to ignore it and giving myself pep talks at the same time; saying that she'll soon tire herself out and go to sleep.

After 20 minutes of her bouncing and jumping around I give up on that idea and take her back to her crib. She sits up, grabs her stuffed Giraffe (named Raffie) and starts to play with him. By this time it's 2:15am and I take this as my opportunity to exit the room, I figure she'll eventually play herself to sleep. I go back to bed with the intention of snuggling in and having an amazing sleep but I cannot find in me the ability to fall into a deep sleep until I know she is asleep, so I toss and turn at every noise I hear her make. Finally at 3am I hear a noise that I am very familiar with - it's the noise that says, "mommy I'm ready for bed, where are you?"

I walk in, she looks up at me and I can't help but reach in and pick her up. She snuggles into my arms and I stand there frozen watching as she drifts back off to sleep. The time is no longer important, I couldn't care less that I have had no sleep thus far, in my mind I was revisiting that first night home from the hospital. When I sat in her room in the rocking chair and I rocked her to sleep while stroking her hair, in complete awe of the wonderful blessing I had in my arms. I thought to myself that I should cherish moments like that, when she allows me to hold her and snuggle her close because the time will come when I will no longer be able to do it.

She is worth every second of lost sleep that I endure, even though I'm never really excited about it. But one day those long sleepless nights will be but a memory and instead of wanting me to come to her room and assist her in falling asleep she'll have a huge sign on her door telling me not to enter. So for now, I'll try to appreciate those nights of interrupted sleep simply because it gives me the ability to reminisce to a time when she was new to this world and she didn't know anything or anyone - except the feel and the smell of her Mommy.